Things Lookin' Up

So I'm in Knox now. I'm comfortable (for the most part). If I get this other job at T.J. Maxx then I'll be REALLY comfortable (especially since I can work with one of my white guys doing manual labor for 12 dollars an hour on the side). Things are falling in place & things are starting to look up. & not to mention I've met a really cool person that I think is going to be my new Knoxville chilling buddy. She's really cool as shit & we have a lot in common. So I guess this is just the letter to state that things are going well, but let me give them a lil' minute, they'll be going a lot better. Oh ... by the way. M2K became a reality. 11 individual beats from different producers (mostly A.O.) and I'mma find some other tracks to kinda freestyle on to fill the blank. Hard to believe this is gonna be my first mixtape on my own but so many people are backing me now I can't help but feel good about it. So ... things are looking up for real. Guess I'm just gonna ride this wave & see where it takes me.

*p.s. This blog post is dedicated to Sophia ... :-)*

"... we're movin' on up ... to the sky ... to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Yeah we're movin' on up ... to the sky ... we finally got a piece of the pie."

From Memphis to Knox ...

Been three weeks since my last blog. A lot has changed since then. I'm living on my own now && I have to supply for self. Food && all. Never expected that paying bills would feel the way it does but it's a part of life. In all respects, I can say that I like Knox. I like the environment, school is going pretty good (it'll be going better once all my books get here), but there are some things in particular that I don't like how certain people go about handling stuff here. First of all, if you're going to do something, do it to the FULL EXTENT of your capabilities. Don't just half ass it. I feel like there's a couple of people on a half ass hustle. After I get all the way adjusted to my environment, it's time to start back hustling again. This time, unlike in Memphis, I've got a slightly different outlook on the situation which might just allow me to be more successful here than I was in Memphis. So ... it's about that time to get my mind ready for that. Today was the "straw that broke the camel's back" to me about this hustling thing ... I mean, I guess it's just that when you're used to having it && having it on your own ... always knowing where everything you needed was ... && you come to an environment where it's harder to come across because you don't necessarily have the same connections, you kinda get ... frustrated. To say the least. But trust me ... I'm working on it. So to everyone half hustling, just give me a second to start full fledged hustling from all angles. Maybe then you'll start to see things a lil' differently. Now I'm not knocking anyone for their methods. I mean if you're getting your's, then you're getting it, but from the way I see it, there's a lot more to be accomplished handling it the RIGHT way (or at least the way that I deemed right that worked for me) than handling it y'all's way. So with that in mind ... I put it on my dead Aunt Judy ... I'm going hard this year. I promise.

Letter to a Loved One

To one of the people who claims to be concerned the most,

It's been an interesting 3 1/2 years ... all of the ups && downs, && EVERYTHING. But I'm not gonna get into what has happened ... I'm gonna get into where this is GOING. Everything in life now has become about looking forward. && when I said things would be "different", here's the REAL reason why: my focus has changed a LOT. The old me you did know is probably not going to be the same. Basically what made a large part of me (the fact that I was so in touch with my emotions) is getting cut ... BIG TIME. That's why I just accept stuff for what it is now. Maybe now I'll be able to get a lot more done that I wanted to get done. Oh ... by the way ... I feel like my life chose me. I didn't really choose to live my life the way I did. So what I'm doing now ... I'm in. Can't do to much about it but make the best of it. Really ... I'm just writing this to let you know that I'm a different me now ... so ... yeah. Hopefully you don't start to view me differently because I've actually reached that point where it's time to be "grown" so I can't think the same way anymore ... about anything ... so that's why I have to think the way I think now && do what I have to do. I mean I thank you for the advice && all && I know you'll always be there, but this one, I've gotta handle on my own ... && with the way I'm about to handle it, I don't think you'll agree so much ... so ... that's just going to have to be what it is. Thanks for being there though. I appreciate it. Until I talk to you next time ..

One of the Greatest Stories Ever Told ...

So ... this is actually the FULL story of what was on my Facebook status. This story is always better when *someone else* *wink wink* tells me from *her* perspective. So ... these two 11th graders are both in Bridge Builders in Memphis. Just so happens that the Special Olympics volunteer project was that day && they were both going to be there. During the basketball tournament, the dude looks over to the opposing team sideline && realizes that he sees one of the most gorgeous girls he's ever seen in a yellow shirt && some sandals. So during one of the breaks in the action during the game, he decides to go talk to her, but not just go talk to her in any kind of way. He decides to slick be an ass && talk about how his team is winning && how her's is losing. They begin to get into a conversation about how one of the players on the dude's team is mean, but the dude stands up for his team. When they leave from this conversation, the girl has the understanding that this dude is an asshole && that she can't stand him, but she thinks he's cute, so it was on her mind the WHOLE day to find this dude && tell him off. Get close to the end of the day, the dude finds the girl again, but this time with an entirely different approach. They both sat in the bleachers together with another group of people && the dude slickly asked for the girl's number. Guessing because he was cute && not acting like an asshole now, the girl gave him the number. They started to text && the girl actually realized that the dude was a really nice guy. He just wanted to get her attention somehow. And from then on, the story is history. These two became the best of friends. Now ... odd twist to the story is that the dude ended up loving the girl as more than a best friend, so ... my curious thoughts wonder ... is that the end of the story for these two ... ??? Or is there still more to be written ... ??? Only time will tell, but it's still my favorite story.

Living Will

My last blog was the realest thing I ever wrote ... so I guess I'll call this ONE of the realest things I'll ever say. I guess my looming nightmares are what gave me the urge to write this ... && even though I don't own much, the little that I DO own (if anything were to ever happen to me), I figure I may as well leave it to someone. As far as physical possessions, I don't care who takes them. It's what I have to offer that's NOT physical that I'm worried about giving a proper home to if I am to ever have something to happen to me earlier than expected. First of all, I leave my brain && thirst for knowledge to my lil' brothers (or the people I call my lil' brothers) Fatboy & Jeremy. Y'all keep y'all head up man ... make me proud to honestly call y'all my lil' brothers. I leave my mannerisms to my lil' brother Kylan ... such as my responses to peoples' comments, etc. I'm sure he'll make good use of them as he comes of age. I leave my thought process to my lil' brothers as well. I leave my common sense to my best friend CJ ... he could use it sometimes when making some of the decisions he makes. I leave my caring spirit with all of my close friends (Toya, LaShonda, Jessica, Elizabeth, & whatever other important female friend I may have not mentioned) ... y'all mean the world to me. I leave my love for all of my niggas (no homo) to all of my niggas (CJ, Justin, Darren, Cam, Evan, & whoever I may have forgotten in that department too). I can't think of anything else ... oh yeah ... last but not least, I leave my heart && ALL of the love in it to Toya ... thanks for everything ... I can't thank you enough or describe how grateful I am that God put you in my life. I love ya ... always will ... && with that being said, I bring this blog to a close. Until the next time y'all ...

"This is my living will ... no, not a suicide note. Just letting you know how a nigga feel ..." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-

Realest Thing I'll Ever Write ...

This is a throwback post really ... a post from awhile ago ... well a post that should've been posted a long time ago ... but I never did. So ... here it goes ... (I'm writing it like I would have been writing it in the past at that time ... so think of it as like a reflection I guess ...)

"I have a friend. A best friend actually. She asks me for advice a lot and I don't mind because she's always been there for me when I needed advice. Sometimes, she asks me for advice about guy s... and why guys are the way they are and why bad things keep happening to her with these guys ... and she's the sweetest girl on the planet so you'd think that God would hook her up with a good one here ... but I guess not. Every time she says something to me about some grimey stuff that a guy has done, I get mad ... like ready to go find someone and beat ass mad ... but she always tells me it's not that crucial. I really actually up and grabbed the keys one day and was almost ready to hit the car and drive ALL the way out that way ... (she stays like on the other side of the city from me) but that didn't bother me. I just know I was ready to beat ass. But I didn't ... and the more she asked me for advice, the more I used to pray that God would hook her up with a non-dog negro. But after awhile ... I started to think ... "If I was blessed like these people to be given a chance with this girl, I KNOW all of this wouldn't happen ... I know I'd cherish her like the queen that she deserves to be cherished like ..."

So ... I guess the bigger picture here ... has anyone ever been placed in a predicament where you KNOW that you'd do a lot better for someone and wish that you had that opportunity to do so ... but can't? And it eternally eats at you on the inside ... and no matter how much time passes, it still comes back to haunt you ... years later? Well ... hey ... I know they say everything happens for a reason, but I guess this is one of those mysteries of life that will never get answered ...

Been a minute ...

What's good world ??? Been a minute since my last post ... a lot of stuff has changed in the small amount of time it's been since my last post. Last time, I was talking about this rough decision I had to make, and it looks like I'll be at UTK next year. No offense to my Fisk fam ... I'll miss all of y'all (real talk) but I won't miss that "gabbage" administration that they have. Everything is setting up well ... I've made a couple of new friends that I mess with tough now and I have a job (maybe two) for the summer. Trying to stack that money pretty much ... get what I can. Hey ... it's good to have money to sit on and have nothing to do with it. It kinda gives you a sense of pride I guess. But yeah ... the only time I really chill is on the weekend since I work 40+ hours a week ... but it's all good. I'm making "guala" ... lol. But yeah ... I'm feeling generally pretty good about life right now. Can't complain too much ... don't have much to complain about. It's looking like it's setting up to be a good finish to these college years ... just gotta be on my grizzy and finish it out strong. I'm sure I'll have some speed bumps here and there but hey ... I'm facing them head on. Looking at life from a different perspective now ... all positives. No more negatives. Been through the trenches this past year and now that I'm out, I never plan on going down in them again. I'll keep y'all posted with the admission decision ... 'till then, deuces.

"Only place you can go when you've hit rock bottom is up ... so ... guess it's ascension time ..."

Choices

It's been a little minute since my last blog ... been through a lot recently and a lot has changed. I'm now faced with a difficult decision ... I either stay here at Fisk and continue to be in this "rut" and just hope things get better ... or I can leave Fisk and go to UTK ... where a lot of things (other than money) are in place. This is a difficult decision because my frat fam (Alpha Phi Omega) is here at Fisk ... and I love them a lot. They've been the main reason I've made it through this year. Not to mention GMH ... and the rest of the people I chill with regularly (Mike, Kenny, James, T, etc.) ... the people I call the "Usual Suspects". It's a hard decision to make ... on one hand, I know that I'm having the hardest time in the world here adjusting and making it through ... but I'm close to a lot of people here. But then on the other hand, I'm cool with a lot of people at UTK too ... and not to mention I'd be living with my brother, which would make a lot less stress on him and would help him out a lot (since I'd be helping with rent). It's a tough call to make, and as time winds down I have to make that decision FASTER ... but I still haven't come to a conclusion yet ... I just wish God would send me a sign ...

A Curious Moment ...

I'm curious ... (as the title would clearly imply) ... but I've realized something. Most of the time, I'm cool with all of the dudes that females primarily like to talk to ... (I won't mention any names) ... and dually I'm cool with the females that talk to them. I'm just saying ... this is slick how I got two of my three best friends (by giving them advice and just being there for them). So ... my curiosity is ... should I really feel like a best friend or a missing link ??? This isn't a knock to my best friends ... I'm just curious that's all ... but it's all cool. I'm not even mad ... I'm just in a state of critical thought ... but anyway. Signing out again for the moment ... deuces.

-J. Burse-

Update

So ... I haven't posted in awhile ... a little more than a month to be exact ... I've been pretty good. Or at least I guess I have. I mean I don't have too many complaints. Things are going pretty well. I've got a car at school now. I'm doing better in school than I was last semester, and I've maintained my sanity, so all is well. At least for the moment. School's almost out though so after this school year is over, I'll be fine for real. That's really when I have to make up my mind on this decision of whether I'm going to transfer or not too. I can't get too deep in Fisk before making that consideration because the credits here don't transfer to other places, so I've got a second to think about it. I'm actually going to go to the Office of Admission and get the paperwork just in case so I'll have it if I need it. I've got a job now working at A&F too so I won't have to be so broke anymore ... but it's all good. This is just kind of one of my more laid back blogs so ... yeah ... no deep thoughts in here. At least not this time. So ... until next time when I DO have some deep thoughts, deuces.

-Joshua O. Burse-

I can't think of what to name this blog yet so I'll name it when time comes for it. Anyway...throughout the day, when I haven't been studying for my math test or what not, I've been doing some research on the influence of the Masonry and of the Baphomet (or Illuminati) on Hip-Hop culture and society. People think that Jay-Z is apart of the Masonry, but when doing any normal "research" on the internet, you'll find something like this: "Jay-Z is not a Mason. As far as being forced to be a Mason to be rich, that is not true. The Masonry is a fraternity. Masonry also has nothing to do with the devil or satanic worship." This in itself is true of Masonry (seeing as I know Masons that are Christians and don't worship the Devil) but can the same truth be said about the Baphomet? It's a very interesting question. I can see why the Masons would denounce any connection to the Baphomet openly, seeing as there is a negative connotation attached to the Baphomet, but is there any truth to these statements? Is it a coincidence that the symbol we know as the "Roc" has been thrown up by political figureheads LONG before the Roc was even a record label? I seriously doubt that. Just like is it a coincidence that the symbol that is similar to the symbol that University of Texas symbol has been thrown up by rappers and politicians alike for years? People have denounced the existence of the Baphomet for years (since technically the Baphomet was relinquished in 1752), but is it possible that maybe members of the Baphomet and the Masonry could just be trying to keep the world ignorant to the society around them? Are we all really being controlled by a select group of individuals that have mass control of society? I'm not trying to stir up anything...I just feel as if they're interesting questions...

Venting

...The blog that I didn't want to put under the category of Thoughts probably actually should've went under here...me venting. It's gotten to the point that I think that I've developed a mood disorder of some kind. Chemical imbalances every which a way...I feel up for a minute and down for a week after that. It's gotten to the point that if one person says something wrong to me then I'm ready to snap and either beat their ass or do something worse...I don't know what's going on mentally...I don't know if it is something that I thought I was over and I'm not or whether it's something else...but I do know this...the longer that I go on like this the worse I'm going to get and the less I'll be able to control the repercussions of my actions. Or maybe this is something much worse...maybe this is some kind of inner demon that is building up inside of me that when it gets strong enough, I won't be able to control it. Nothing like the mirror man argument...much much worse. Once again...call me insane or deranged if you want...I really don't care. I've gotten to that point that I don't care who cares about me and I don't really give two shits about anybody else. Point blank period. Trust...there's been a reason that not many people have been close to me recently. There's a reason why no one knows what goes on. There's a bunch of things going on in my life that I'll never tell a soul about. Why? Because people can't be trusted. That's been proven to me all too well this year. People will lie and say they love you when honestly they probably don't give two fucks about you. People will see you depressed and tell you to cheer up and try to tell you all the positive about you and your life but guess what...turn around and BASH you behind your back. I'm almost tempted to say names...but I'm not. I will say this to you though. Don't speak to me in public if you're not real. FUCK YOU. People with a bitch ass mentality can get the fuck on before one day I really snap at Fisk. Think what you will of me...I don't care. But you're not going to come at me with that fake shit. Fuck that. From now on, everyone gets dealt with accordingly. If niggas or bitch niggas or bitches (and if I think you're a BITCH I'll call it how I see it...and I normally don't even call women bitches) come incorrect then they can get put in their place too. I really don't give a fuck anymore...about anyone or their feelings. Don't believe me? Try me...

"I know you don't like me I can feel it in the air but to be perfectly honest, I really don't care..." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-

You are appreciated...

This is a very sincere letter that I am writing to all of the women that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt will be there for me. I know I can go to them for anything and they will always be there to pick me up when I'm down. So...with that being said, I'd like to send this shout out to my mother, Arletta Burse, my aunts, Jocelyn Nightingale, Florence Nightingale, Brenda Nightingale, Gloria Nightingale, Connie Nightingale, my best friends, Shatoya Polk, LaShonda Dancy, Jessica Cervero, and Elizabeth Sueing. I even appreciate that one special person that helped me grow so much as a person this year...I just won't mention her name though, but she is appreciated too. Just know that I love you all from the bottom of my heart and I'm glad that all of you are involved in my life and I'd do anything in the world for all of you. Much love.

Sincerely,

Josh

Thoughts...pt. 7

Let me start by saying I don't want to put this blog under the "Thoughts" classification but I guess I kind of have to due to lack of other things to name it. But anyway...I'm still having sleepless nights. Why??? Couldn't tell you. Could be multiple reasons. Could be the same one. Maybe a mixture of both. Who knows. What I do know is that on average a NIGHT...I'm averaging at the most 4 hours of sleep (and even that is pushing it). What's bad is that I'll actually be tired and still not be able to sleep. I dread the fact that I can't sleep comfortably...or at all for that matter...if something is on my mind. Who knows...maybe I do need some serious counseling...or someone to talk to on a regular basis to stay afloat. I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to do something about this before it gets out of hand...well FURTHER out of hand...

"I've got some issues that nobody can see...and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you...it's only right, this is...the soundtrack to my life...the soundtrack to my life..." -KiD CuDi-

Just checking if this works...

Valentine's Day...

Well, another year, another Valentine's Day that I don't have to do anything. I guess that's good in a sense or whatever but...yeah. Anyway...the closest I've ever came to doing something on Valentine's Day was was like 11th grade...and then I lost the girlfriend part of that the day before Valentine's Day. Oh well. But yeah, Valentine's Day is just another day of the year for me...nothing really special or what not. It's not like a serious holiday where we get out of school or anything...it's just Valentine's Day. The official day for people to be boo'ed up with each other. Some people might think I'm bitter because I don't have a "Valentine" but that's not the case. Even if I did Valentine's Day wouldn't be that much of a big deal to me...but anyway. I'm not going to rain on anyone else's parade so Happy Valentine's Day to all of the people celebrating it. I hope you have a good one.

My Super Bowl Prediction

I normally use my blog for issues of serious life importance but in this case, I'll calm it down a bit. Now there's been one occasion where I've gotten the Super Bowl right down to the score and the winner but it'll be a little bit harder this year to choose because even though my heart is with the Saints, my HEAD is with the Colts. lol So I'll give the Colts the game, but by a win margin of I don't know yet. It'll either be a high scoring game or a defensive struggle (which no one can probably see) since both offenses are so potent. But...let me throw out a prediction...34-28 Colts. I just think so. Now if I'm right this year...I'm going to start betting money on these games...for real...lol. But I guess we'll just have to see later on when the game comes on huh???

Thoughts...pt. 6

Last night taught me a lot of things about myself. Since I've gotten here, I'm not the same person that I was earlier. I don't want to do the stuff I did before. I don't want to be around some of the people that I was around. I don't want to deal with some of the stupid stuff that I had to deal with. There's a lot of things that I've found out since I've been at Fisk, and all of them have helped me to grow as a person. I've learned that sometimes it really should be me, myself, and I and that NO ONE no matter who they are should be able to affect my happiness, no matter who they are. Sometimes you just have to remove the attachments that you have with some people because...well...that may not be what you need. I learned last night some things that I need and some things that I don't need, and now is that time to start trying to remove the things that I don't need in my life right now. People that don't want to be involved with me, I don't want to be involved with either. People that don't mean well for me, I could care less for. Maybe I've finally reached that point that I've been trying to reach for years...that point where I don't care if I'm an ass or not anymore. I think I've finally reached cold hearted/I don't care anymore status...and honestly...it feels kinda good to not care about anyone else's feelings right now.

Update/Thoughts...pt. 5

So...it's been almost a week since my last post. Just keeping everyone informed. I've realized something...while here at Fisk, the only time I really act a fool is with the GMH fam...but most of the time when I'm around the other people in my class or anyone else, I'm generally mellow and quite serious. It's interesting how I've gone through such a mood transition. I guess it really is a part of growing and growing fast. Guess my "stove" experience has really helped me to mature as a man. But anyway...I've really started to buckle down and think what's really important, and although I may reminisce sometimes, I'm cool. And I can say that honestly. I mean it's funny...at this current moment, I'm quite serious and quite mellow. Not down...but mellow. Thinking critically about...well...generally everything. But anyway...if I write anything else tonight I'll let y'all know.

Thoughts...pt. 4

Now these are going to probably be all over the place so bear with me. There have been so many things that could've been said but, like I said, because of a grown sense of maturity, I chose not to say them. No point. I don't have to have my feelings on public display (anymore). Oh yeah...I have a question...who else has a spot that they're used to that they just think in??? Well we have a tree on campus called the Tree of Knowledge...that's my spot. Every time I have to think about something it's where I head to. Guess I haven't had as much on my mind recently to have to go think heavily about. But as of recently, I've found a PERSON to help me think...(well she doesn't help me think per say but her presence eases everything else that's going on). Which is why I'll be glad when the car is here. I can go there a lot more often. I can imagine that'll be nice. But anyway. This next comment is NOT about me or my situation (since people apparently like to read into my blog and go and misinterpret my words). But anyway...I just find it amusing how two people that were in love and very good friends and had a great relationship go to seeing each other and not saying all of one word to each other. Matter of fact...not even looking at each other. I mean I guess it's just the ways of the world and how things work themselves out. But it makes you wonder...do these two actually think about each other and the good times when they see each other??? Or do they just think about the couple of bad things that happened that led to them not conversing in the first place??? Do they miss each other??? Or does one miss the other and the other not give a care in the world about the other one??? A lot of intriguing questions to be answered, but questions that will probably always go unanswered. Especially since the only person that really knows what they're thinking is the person...unless they tell someone else. Well anyway...seeing the recent events, I bet people are going to eat that up (last sentence was an insider that only I know what I'm talking about) and I bet that person will be happy that people are eating it up. Back to old lifestyle I guess. Oh well. But anyway...that's neither here nor there. I think God finally granted me some guidance at this place, which is good. Oh yeah...I find it funny that someone wants me to help them with their writings of a philosophical element since they've read my blog. That's just all the way interesting to me. But once again...neither here nor there. I'll close this post out by saying...thanks. Thanks first to God for bringing me out (at least most of the way). Thanks to those that support. Thanks to those that hate. Thanks to those that are fake. Just thanks to everyone. Just waiting for the day that I transcend it all...

Update

This isn't a deep post like most of them are...actually this is a physical update. So...while playing football on the yard I was thrown up and landed down on the back of my neck. Ever since, I've been in hella pain. Thinking it might be about that time to head to the doctor, but my friend told me he went to the doctor for his thigh before he realized it was just bruised and they taxed him for $700. I was like damn...$700 for an x-ray??? That's steep. I might just wait until I go home and go see my chiropractor. That sounds like the best plan.

Inobviously Oblivious

I've realized that I've had more posts in one month than I had in like half of a year...interesting. Guess I've had a lot to write about this year. But that's neither here nor there. I was actually writing this blog to say something...intriguing. Isn't it interesting how you can go through all these experiments, phases, etc., and after you've been through all of that, you realized that possibly what you might have needed/wanted the whole time was "slick" right in front of your face??? Hmm...I find that very intriguing. I mean I'm just saying....but anyway. That was just a little random thought to think about.

An Odd Metaphor...

So...while I was cleaning up today, I found my TI-84 calculator that I thought that I had lost and my new jump drive...since my old one was acting crazy. That's when I figured...maybe life is like a room. When it's clean and orderly, you can find everything you need, but if your life is junky, then you'll continue to be without the things you need. Hmmm....looks like it's time to start life cleaning then...

My Definition of Love pt. 2

I thought I completely explained this the first time I wrote it and it may have some of the same concepts and overtones as the first ones but some things have struck me since then. You know you love someone when they tell you what they're going through and they're problems keep YOU up at night praying that they'll be okay...(and let's consider that you're not even in a relationship with this person...you REALLY know that's love...) Another thing...you can kind of tell you're in love when you think about a person heavily, knowing that they're probably not thinking about you in return or thinking about you anywhere as much as you're thinking about them. It's crazy how love is something you can't control...it's funny at the same time. This is the last thing I'll say about love...you know you're in love when you make a decision that you wish you could go back and redo and eternally wonder what would've happened had you not made that decision...

My Perpetual Nightmare

"You sure you gon' be aight bruh leaving out by yourself??? It is kinda late..."

"Yeah...I'll be fine. I'm just heading home."

"Aight big bruh...take it easy..."

I leave out the building...(car tires screech and gunshots ring out)

"CALL THE AMBULANCE BRUH!!! HE'S BLEEDING OUT!!! JUST CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!"

To explain this entire story, you'd have to know about what TLK is and what it means to me and what I see for my future. Well...at least in my dreams. I keep seeing myself dying before the age of 30 in my dreams for some strange reason. I know in Freudian psychoanalytical dream analysis, dreams are explained as the deepest desires or the deepest fears of a person. Could it be that in complete consciousness that death does not bother me but unconsciously, I'm afraid of death? Interesting questions...questions that I currently do not know the answer to. I know that this blog entry may seem random, but I just figured that I'd write about it because it is a recurring dream.

Thoughts...pt. 3 (A Time of Healing)

Today started a new time period for me...a time of healing. I don't know exactly what the future holds but I know I can't sit back and reflect on my past. I have to look forward. If I don't then I'll never be able to grow as a person. Some people don't believe that you can mature in a couple of days: I believe that it's very possible. I just have to keep on moving though...no matter how painful it is to have to leave some things behind. I guess that's a part of growing up though. But why does growing up have to be so hard??? Well...life is hard. The grooming aspects that make you into the person you are tend to be memorable, and hopefully I'll be able to look back on this and laugh or whatever. But as for now, I've said my peace. I said exactly how I felt. I knew if I didn't at least get how I felt off of my chest then I'd never be able to move forward. But I said exactly that. Now the situation is out of my hands. I can't do anything to convince anyone that I've matured so I just have to show it through my actions now. If people see that then fine...if they don't, then that's fine too. I just know I have gone through a personal change in these trying times and now I feel like a better individual. I can look myself in the mirror and say I honestly handled it in the best of ways that I physically could. Yes...I made my mistakes along the way, but I did what I could to try and correct those problems. I guess they were just greater than what I could do could solve though. But nonetheless...I'll never forget these past couple of months. Yes...I enjoyed those 4 months...good times and bad...and I'll miss them. But what's in the past is in the past and what may or may not come is to yet be determined. I know some of you reading may think I've said the same thing in different ways today, but yet and still, these are just the things that I have to get off of my chest or they will bog me down eternally. I can even honestly throw out the honest statement that I love Romeka Morton and what she did for me...she helped me to grow as a person and for that I'm eternally grateful. Still do...even if some people believe that I shouldn't or that I don't or that it's "bullshit" for me to still love her and want to be friends with her. I know how I feel and that won't change, but this is only the beginning of the healing process and only time will tell what comes for me...and for her for that matter, but whatever comes, I'm wishing the best for her, since honestly...I can still say that her happiness is still more important than mine. I hope everything that she wants to happen happens in the exact way that is most beneficial and positive for her. As for me...I just hope things work out for the best and that I learn from them. I have already learned a lot, but I expect to continue to learn and grow as a person. I just hope I'm bettered from this situation...so only time will tell...

Thoughts...pt. 2

So...I've realized several things today. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "Things grow...people grow...and people grow apart..." It's a sad truth unfortunately but it's a process of life you just have to go through. You never know how bad your situation is until you know how bad someone else's is. You never know what a person is going through until they tell you. You never know what you put a person through until they say something. You never know the consequences of your actions until time comes for that consequence to show it's face. Some consequences are eternal...some are temporary. It all depends. But I've learned...no matter the consequences of your action, it matters not what they are, it matters how you deal with them. It's unfortunate that some people in your life you will lose over certain situations...it's a repercussion of life. It just happens that way. When you lose someone close to you, it's hard to feel like it's not your fault. And it may be, but there are always unforeseen circumstances. You can never control how someone else will feel, and you never know how much effect anything you do does on another person. Time to make this a little personal instead of being vague. I've been saying, "I'm 18. I don't have it all figured out yet. I don't know the best solution for problems..." for a minute. But here's how I feel now: "I'm 18. I may not know the best decision, but I know which ones not to make. I know what ways to not handle my problems." Someone told me it's hard to believe a person can mature in a day and a half...normally that's true, but when a person goes through a situation so severe, they can learn very quickly. It's like a kid touching a hot stove...they touch it once and learn not to touch it anymore. What makes me wonder is that some of the same people that were telling me how they did not want to see me sad were the same people saying bad things about me but that's neither here nor there. All I know is that only time will tell what happens but my feelings still won't change...they'll still be the same.

Conversation with myself...pt. 3 (possibly the last ever)

Other Self: "So it's over??? For good??? Like for real this time???"

Conscious Self: "Yeah...I believe so."

OS: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! YES YOU WEAK ASS NIGGA!!! LOOKS LIKE I'M MAKING A COMEBACK!!! I TOLD YOU SHE'D BE GONE AND AFTER SHE WAS OUT OF THE WAY THAT I WAS COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!! YES!!!"

CS: "Don't get too excited...you know it's funny how I've come to terms with your existence, and I'm fine with that. You can be here all you want...survey all the activities of my life that you want...it doesn't bother me anymore. You know...this week has matured me as an individual more than anything else in my life has and now that I've grown in Christ and my faith has increased, I don't have to worry about you. In the wise words of someone very special to me, "You have to love yourself so instead of looking for people to love you and fill that gap, you need to love yourself first...". So guess what...this is the day that I officially start loving myself...for me and who I am."

OS: "Man this is impossible...how do you lose the CLOSEST person to you that meant SO MUCH to you and now you're suddenly aight with this??? What the HELL is going on??? You can't have grown that much in a couple of days...that shit is just impractical and IMPOSSIBLE. I know you miss her...admit it. You just want her back and it's hurting you on the inside and you're depressed that she's gone forever...just admit it...trying to cover it up like you're not..."

CS: (politely smiling and laughing) "Just to tickle your fancy...yes, I do miss her. Hell...I love her. Can't lie about that. It's not bullshit. It's how I feel. Probably how I'll always feel. But something I've learned...you can't make someone feel the way you want them to feel, no matter how much you want them to or how hard you try to. I'm still going to pray for her every night and hope that God blesses her and that everything that she wants to happen in life happens. I will continue to pray that she's happy and fully content with life. I will continue to always hope the best for her and hell...I even hope that she finds that person that could be everything that I wasn't. Knowing what I know now, yes, I made foolish decisions. Decisions that I'll probably never make again in life. But everything happens for a reason, and how I feel...if it's meant to be then it'll be. God has a funny way of working things out for the BEST...not for how you want them to be. I'm not covering anything up. I will still openly say I love her. I won't tell anyone I don't. But I have one of two options right now...I can either sulk and be depressed and make this experience the worst of my life, or I can do what's best for me so I can grow and be a better person from this experience. I know there's more than likely a 0% chance of this ever happening but think about it this way...even if God was to work things out for the better for us to get back together, let's say I spent all that time sulking. By the time due time came back around, I wouldn't be in shape for something like that to happen because I probably wouldn't still be in college. My grades would've taken a turn for the worse and I'd probably feel worse than I feel. The only thing that is really upsetting me from this situation is that I wish I could've grown faster to see things on both sides and the fact that I beat myself up over this...cried and all, but I should've been looking at the positive this entire time. Sure...I may have killed my chances. But I can at least live with that fact now. The important thing is that I get myself back together, work on me, do what's best for me, and keep on moving..."

OS: ".....................AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEPRESSED!!!!!! NOT DEALING WITH IT!!!!! THIS ISN'T FOR YOU TO DEAL WITH!!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS AND USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE!!!!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FINE!!!!!!! THE GIRL YOU LOVE JUST TOLD YOU SOME OF THE WORST NEWS YOU'VE EVER HEARD!!!!!! AND YOU'RE TAKING IT IN STRIDE?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

CS: "Yeah...it may have been some of the worst news ever but I know God's gonna work it out. I knew I hadn't been praying the serenity prayer for months without expecting to hear an answer soon. Just like the old gospel song said..."He may not come when you want him, but he'll be there right on time...". Now I see that is really true. In the words of Ma$e..."Gotta survive in this life that's being given to me...when it seems like the world keep scratching on me...when I'm down, I'll get by, just keep it real, gotta survive...gotta survive...". God has too much purpose for my life to let this block my blessing so...I'm still praying for the best...for her and for me...so...you can go back to your cage now...dueces."

OS: (walks away grumbling several profanities at CS)

"You know there's nothing in this world that could separate me from what I believe...from what I've achieved. All of this is because of him. And I'm telling you now...as much as you don't want to hear this, I could do nothing to myself. It's all through Him...it's all through Him. So all around the world, you don't even know success until you know Him...and Him is Jesus." -Mason Betha-

3:26 a.m. The current time. Really the only reason I'm still up is because I'm thinking about someone and my life in general. It is at this exact moment that I've realized some things. As a man, I can honestly admit that I've cried more at Fisk than I have in my entire life. Not just because of some nonsense issues either, but because at times while I've been here, it has genuinely felt like my world was crashing down around me. The one woman who I always thought had my back and would always be there to support me has kind of turned on me recently and all I ever get from her is negativity, such as the fact that I'm nothing but a nigga and that I have no Jesus. My now ex-girlfriend broke up with me and she was a strong pillar of support, but she had good reason, and even though I may want her back, I have to respect her decision, but no matter what happens, she'll still be my friend and I still love her no matter what. Since being at Fisk, I've also realized that even though sometimes people may mean well, they tend to give horrible advice. When other people become involved in your personal matters, it tends to cause many problems, and unfortunately, I'm seeing the effects of this now. Another thing I've realized is that writing is an outlet for me. I never realized this until I got a blog and started to write about my feelings and such, since I very rarely open up to anyone. This helps me to somewhat clear my mind because if I kept everything bottled up, I'd be insane by now. So...I guess I have found my constructive outlet...I'm starting to figure some things out. And the process of self fixing and growing up finally begins before my face...which is good.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

"Part of being sane is being a little crazy." -Janet Long-

"Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence." -Henrik Tikkanen-

Conversation with myself...pt. 2

If you're familiar with pt. 1, then pt. 2's dialog will make sense to you. To truly understand this though, you must read pt. 1.

Other Self: "What's good bruh...??? Haven't spoken in awhile...I bet it's funny for you to see that you're going through hell and this time I have nothing to do with it huh??? It's funny how life works against you no matter what you do. Every support system is turning their back on you and...quick question...how long have you been praying the serenity prayer and seeing no results??? My point exactly..."

Conscious Self: "...and there lies the reason we haven't spoken in awhile. Knowing your natural intent, it's quite easy to NOT talk to you. Anyway...I know God may not come when I want him to but I know he'll be there in due time. They say God never puts more on you than you can handle so I truly believe that."

Other Self: "Do you really now??? So you mean the other day when you were walking from Jub after going to pick up a sandwich that "someone" made for you that you didn't tell God that you can't see how you can really handle this all at one time??? I could've sworn I heard you say that..."

Conscious Self: "I've told you about diving in to my business before..."

Other Self: "Look...just because I've been trapped in this hypothetical "box" since the last time that I came out doesn't mean that I can't hear you. I know I only come out when you let me out but that doesn't mean that I don't HEAR you...I'm still here you know...it's not like I've gone anywhere..."

Conscious Self: "Unfortunately..."

Other Self: "Such harsh words...especially for someone who tried to help you awhile ago..."

Conscious Self: "Please inform me of this time period because I'd DEFINITELY like to know..."

Other Self: "You don't remember that time...when I COMPLETELY took control...I was trying to help you get over the fact that you were down over her...I mean REALLY down...did I not have a more positive outlook on the situation than you did??? I was out for your good that time...not for bad...but after you regained control you decided to cage me up in a box like an animal or something...like I had done something wrong..."

Conscious Self: "What you did was NOT help. You made shit worse. MUCH worse. I felt awful when I returned to myself."

Other Self: "You talk like I'm not apart of you..."

Conscious Self: "How many times have I had to tell you you're not apart of me??? You're not. You're just the negativity that has always loomed over my head that is an unfortunate addition to myself."

Other Self': "Look here...I didn't come to argue with you. I actually came to give you some credit for having the ability to overcome me..."

Conscious Self: "You said that last night...I don't need to hear it from you that much..."

Other Self: "I mean I'm proud though..."

Conscious Self: "Look. I know you. The only...ONLY reason you're showing up is because I'm going through a lot right now and I don't know how to handle it and I just made a dumb decision that may have ruined some things...damn..."

Other Self: "You feel bad now don't you??? Mission accomplished. Good job negro. You get a smiley face for effort."

Conscious Self: "...I just know that I miss her a lot and that I fucked up..."

Other Self: "Looks like I'll be finishing with the last word today. I'm not going to bother you though. I'm just going to return to my little cage...I just had to give you some words to think about...aight. Chunk up the deuce."

(Other Self leaves conversation and returns to imprisonment)

Conscious Self: "Damn...I may have just fucked up...looking in retrospect, I have to wonder what I was thinking...well at the time, I wasn't thinking. I hope she realizes that because Lord knows I don't want to mess stuff up before it even has the chance to get back right..."

"I'm not used to introspection. I've never lingered on my feelings..." -Brenda Lee-

Just to let you know how I feel...

I'm writing this to someone. I hope they see it. That is my natural intention. But anyway...to the point. I make dumb decisions. Decisions that sometimes seem to make no sense whatsoever. Why? I'm not sure. Probably because I am dumb in certain areas of life. I don't know why I do some of the stuff I do but I know that it happened unfortunately. Yes...I will admit, I am a man and men make dumb ass decisions sometimes for no apparent reason but that does not change the way I feel about the situation or the way that I want things to go. Yes, I do still want things to work. Yes, I have some me work to do. I'm not a finished product. Like I tell you all the time, I'm 18. I haven't figured it all out yet. I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get better. Yes...it may have been dumb but at the time of the incident I was being...for lack of a better word, a dumb ass. But yet and still, how I feel will never change and I apologize for being an idiot and making rash decisions. God knows that I don't know why I do some of these things that I do that in retrospect make no sense. Yes, I love you. A lot. No, I do not want to lose you for anything. Yes, I do want things to work, and I know for things to work, I have to do somethings with myself. I know I have my problems and idiosyncrasies about myself. I just hope you can find it in your heart somewhere that you can forgive me for being an idiot and really think about everything that I've told you over the past...months I'd guess. Anyway...God bless and know that even though I do dumb stuff, I still love you.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMEMT

I'm calling this a public service announcement because I want everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) trying to give me advice to get me to cheer up (i.e. "Just don't think about it" or "Forget about it" or "Go talk to another girl to get your mind off of her" or "You'll get over it in time" or WHATEVER your advice may be) to LEAVE ME THE #%&* ALONE!!! Stop telling me all this bullsh*t to try and help me feel better. LET ME DEAL WITH THINGS HOW I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH THEM!!! This is about as far down the breaking point as I can go without calling out specific people's names. So please...for the sake of me and you...WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME!!!

"I don't care if it's heroine in my cup. It's MY cup. F**k you." -Dwayne Carter-

(my revised version) "I don't care what you think I should do with my life. It's MY life. Go the f**k away." -Joshua Burse-

My Definition of Love

Love: universally, love has been one of the most abstract and difficult concepts to explain. In all honesty, I believe that there is no one true definition of love, because I believe the definition of love varies for every person. So...with that being said...here's MY definition of love: love is one of the most beautiful ugly feelings in the world. Actually, love is far past an emotion or a feeling. I can't really think of a word in the English language for it, but pretty much, loving someone means that they have a piece of you that no one else will ever be able to have. Love is one of the few things that will make you think about someone all day, go to sleep thinking about them, and then they will be the first thought you have when you wake up. Love is one of the only things that will make you pray for a person just to hope that God is watching over them and keeping them okay before you'll even think about praying for yourself. Love is one of the only things that can keep you up all night (I'm not talking about forcible "awakeness", I'm talking about unintentional "awakeness"). What's good (or bad) about love, depending on how you look at it, is that love can't really disappear. Love isn't like a light switch that you can just turn on and off, but love is more like...the sun. The sun, for example, may set but you can see the light of the sun at all times since the moon is reflecting the light of the sun. Love is the same way. Just when you think that you've gotten over love, all it takes is one little reminder and you're back to thinking and feeling the same way about the person that you felt before. As a matter of fact, relating it to chemistry, love is like energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy can neither be created or destroyed, but it changes from one form to another. After you've found love, you realize that it will never go away and that it may change forms ever so often but generally the same love will always be there. Love is one of the few things that will make a person's demeanor change. By that I mean that if you're in love and things are going well then you'll be one of the happiest people you know, but if love is going wrong, you can be one of the most depressed people that you know, depending on how you handle the situation. But everyone that goes through love that isn't working is going to feel a lot of pain, whether you choose to disguise it or not. This is one of those abstract concepts that I could go on about all day because I've currently seen both sides of love...good and bad. Unfortunately, I'm going through the bad right now. Which is why it is quite simple to sit and write about it. I mean there's just so much on my mind that I wish I could say that I can't really say because it doesn't feel like the right time or place to say it, but all I can say is that I wish...

"I'm young. I'm not perfect. I haven't figured it all out yet. The important thing is that I'm TRYING to figure it all out..." -Joshua Burse-

p.s. Still praying the same prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thoughts...

There's some things that I have to get off of my chest: figure since I can't really say them the way I want to I may as well write them out.

1. I don't know why everyone believes love is this big great thing. I mean sure it is UNTIL it turns it's back on you and it turns HORRIBLE VERY FAST.

2. Maybe the only reason I'm talking bad about love is because a girl that says she still loves me and sometimes feels like she made the right decision but sometimes feels like she made the wrong decision to break up with me just (guess what) BROKE UP WITH ME...for reasons that I still can't really explain.

3. Yes. I was in love. Not sprung. In love. Mad that I was now but then again I'm not...because I still love that girl.

4. WHY CAN'T LOVE JUST BE LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH AND TURN OFF??? Even better...why can't life just have the Staple's big red Easy button...

5. Why do I have to feel so much pain from this??? I mean really...

6. (the ever famous question) Why do girls have to be so complicated/confusing/difficult??? Never have I seen a situation where a girl loves a dude and still wants to be with said dude and dude was a everything that you would expect a boyfriend to be (at least she said) but she breaks up with him because...??? (if anyone can fill that blank PLEASE let me know...)

I think I'm out as far as questions go but I know that I wish I wasn't going through what I was going through now. The "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" quote has never seemed like more bullshit than it does right now because I don't know how to deal with all of this nonsense...

p.s. If I seem to be rambling then I apologize but I really am quite distraught about this situation and as bad as I may talk about the situation it is actually giving me a lot of grief. This is a very trying time for me and trying to figure out how to deal with it is a challenge in itself...so please...just pray for me. And if you're reading this and have my number just offer up some words of support every now and then...

I thought it couldn't but I guess it did...

"Odo nnyew fie kwan": the name of an African Adinkra symbol that means "love never loses it's way home". I have that tatted on my back right shoulder blade area. Now...I could lie and say the reason I got it is because I love Memphis and I plan on going back because a) that's where the love is and b) that's where my future career lies, but that's not the REAL reason. Call me dumb if you want but I got it for a reason. Me and someone "close" to me went to go get the same tattoo in the same spot on the same day at the same time. Yeah...I know...maybe not the brightest idea but hey...I guess I wasn't using my logical mind at the time. But it seemed logical to me while I was getting it...until this recent situation popped up. Now I can't say that it seems so logical because me and that "someone" no longer share the same connection due to unforeseen circumstances. Am I going to sit up and lie and say that I don't still love that girl? No. I'm not. I do. I don't think there will be any escaping that and I'll just have to learn to live with that. She came by and we talked today about this and I can honestly see her reasoning...but that doesn't mean that I necessarily agree. But then again, there is nothing that I could have possibly done to affect that decision. Yes. It hurts. A lot. But once again I say...it looks like I just have to bite the bullet because as much as I may want her back, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It'll just be a process that when I see this girl I can't walk up to her, kiss her, and tell her I love her, but I have to substitute it with a hey, how are you, and maybe a hug at best...

This is going to be a long process so...while I'm dealing with this...I'm going to keep asking the same thing..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Amen.

p.s. It's probably going to be a long night so don't be surprised if you see more than one blog go up tonight...(if you read them anyway...)

Update

For those of you who read my blog "Conversation with myself..." I'm writing this blog to let you all know of the status of that situation. I am completely in control of my life now, with my satanic influenced inner demon being caged and silenced. I have a positive outlook on life and I believe that I can do all tings through Christ who strengthens me. I'm not worrying about some of the things that had me worrying before and I can honestly say that I'm blessed. Thanks to everyone who supported and I'm glad I have some real friends to rely on when I'm in need. Prociate it and much love.

"A man is but the product of his thoughts: what he thinks, he becomes." -Mohandas Ghandi-

Back to Life as Usual...

So...it's back to Nashville on Sunday. My stay at home, though stressful at times, was quite relaxing. I got to eye witness some funny events in my stay here and kick it with some of the fam and people I'm cool with. Even got to do a little of the "extracurricular" activities with some of the homies so it's been a good trip. But...all good things must come to an end. Back to the difficult work of Fisk University and my new life in Nashville. I think everyone in Memphis can honestly say that high school did NOT prepare them for college...since I found out I wasn't alone in my making a "D" while off at school. And this came from the people that were the "smartest" ones in high school so I don't feel alone. But I'm going in to the new semester with a new outlook and a more positive one. Hopefully I get that 4.0 that I need to maintain. If not, we'll see what happens but as for me...right now...I'm positive about it. So...with that being said...God order my footsteps and always..."Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Amen.

Shout out

It's funny how life happens sometimes...but all you can do is go with the flow. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "...things grow...people grow...and people grow apart..." There comes a point in life where you realize that the people you were around maybe never meant the best for you. Which is why I'm glad for the few close friends that have always been there through the good and the bad...and the ugly for that matter. So really this is just a shout out (as my Twitter page would say) to all my #realassfriends...lol. Y'all know who y'all are...no sense in mentioning names. Much love to all y'all. And even much love to my associates because they've made me learn some life lessons along the way.