Until then...

I cried for the first time in some years last night...

That in itself is unbelievable for me. I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral. I didn't cry when I watched Aunt Judy slowly die. I didn't cry for all of the negativity that was put in me by the person that I thought was the closest to me for many years. I didn't cry when my mom told me that I would never be anything but a nigga and that I'd make some girl unhappy. I didn't cry when my mom told me that I was "lucky" to make a good score on the ACT. I didn't cry for a bunch of things but last night...when it just seemed like my entire world around me is crashing in flames, I cried. It's scary...like I've never faced any negativity in my life that I couldn't handle but this...this is something else. It feels like no matter how hard I pray, God just isn't listening to me anymore. Not only that, I suddenly feel like I have the weight of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING on my shoulders; if I fail, then I'm letting my mom down, my brother, Aunt Judy, Auntie Jocelyn, Aunt Florence, Aunt Connie, Uncle J, Uncle Ernest, my girlfriend, Thomas, Preston, Mario Bell, Keith Chandler, and most importantly...myself. I've never felt like a failure until now...I don't know what's going on but something about life right now just doesn't feel right. No mater how much someone tells me that everything will be alright and that I just need to pray and persevere, it just seems like I can't do it. It just seems like my life is in limbo and it's like the chorus of the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song "I Tried".

"I tried so hard...can't seem to get away from misery. "I tried so hard...I'll always be a victim of these streets. It ain't my fault 'cause I try to get away but trouble follows me and still I tried so hard...hoping one day you'll come and rescue me...but until then..." I have my own version of this chorus at this point in life though: "I tried so hard...can't seem to get away from misery. I tried so hard...I'll always be a victim of these things. It ain't my fault 'cause I still have these demons that keep following me but still I'm trying so hard...hoping one day that these things will leave...but until then..." That seems to be where the problem lies...I don't know what comes after the until then because I don't know what to do and right now, it just seems like I'm all by myself and I'll never make it out of this ditch...so...my question to God: what's next for me??? I'm still waiting on that answer so...until then...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

First half of the semester down...another half to go. I haven't started as strong as I would've liked to but I have another half to go at this school thing with an entire new state of mind. It's still funny...even though my brother went to college and my mom is working on her endorsement and her Ph.D., I never saw myself as being the "collegiate boy". I guess that's why, psychologically, I kind of struggled through this first semester because I didn't think I should be here. But after all of my teachers have told me that I have a great personality and that I have a brilliant mind and I just need to apply it to the right things, I believe that I can be here and succeed. I just have to apply myself in the right way. Especially since I have people that are behind me 100 % (my mom, my brother, Aunt Judy, the rest of my fam, Romeka, Thomas, P. Harris, J. Winfrey, and a couple of other people). I'm actually starting to have some positive hope for the future with this college education thing. Plus, I said I was dedicating my entire collegiate education to Aunt Judy (R.I.P. I still think about you to this day and I miss you) so I can't mess it up. But hey...we'll just have to see what happens...