My Definition of Love

Love: universally, love has been one of the most abstract and difficult concepts to explain. In all honesty, I believe that there is no one true definition of love, because I believe the definition of love varies for every person. So...with that being said...here's MY definition of love: love is one of the most beautiful ugly feelings in the world. Actually, love is far past an emotion or a feeling. I can't really think of a word in the English language for it, but pretty much, loving someone means that they have a piece of you that no one else will ever be able to have. Love is one of the few things that will make you think about someone all day, go to sleep thinking about them, and then they will be the first thought you have when you wake up. Love is one of the only things that will make you pray for a person just to hope that God is watching over them and keeping them okay before you'll even think about praying for yourself. Love is one of the only things that can keep you up all night (I'm not talking about forcible "awakeness", I'm talking about unintentional "awakeness"). What's good (or bad) about love, depending on how you look at it, is that love can't really disappear. Love isn't like a light switch that you can just turn on and off, but love is more like...the sun. The sun, for example, may set but you can see the light of the sun at all times since the moon is reflecting the light of the sun. Love is the same way. Just when you think that you've gotten over love, all it takes is one little reminder and you're back to thinking and feeling the same way about the person that you felt before. As a matter of fact, relating it to chemistry, love is like energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy can neither be created or destroyed, but it changes from one form to another. After you've found love, you realize that it will never go away and that it may change forms ever so often but generally the same love will always be there. Love is one of the few things that will make a person's demeanor change. By that I mean that if you're in love and things are going well then you'll be one of the happiest people you know, but if love is going wrong, you can be one of the most depressed people that you know, depending on how you handle the situation. But everyone that goes through love that isn't working is going to feel a lot of pain, whether you choose to disguise it or not. This is one of those abstract concepts that I could go on about all day because I've currently seen both sides of love...good and bad. Unfortunately, I'm going through the bad right now. Which is why it is quite simple to sit and write about it. I mean there's just so much on my mind that I wish I could say that I can't really say because it doesn't feel like the right time or place to say it, but all I can say is that I wish...

"I'm young. I'm not perfect. I haven't figured it all out yet. The important thing is that I'm TRYING to figure it all out..." -Joshua Burse-

p.s. Still praying the same prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I thought it couldn't but I guess it did...

"Odo nnyew fie kwan": the name of an African Adinkra symbol that means "love never loses it's way home". I have that tatted on my back right shoulder blade area. Now...I could lie and say the reason I got it is because I love Memphis and I plan on going back because a) that's where the love is and b) that's where my future career lies, but that's not the REAL reason. Call me dumb if you want but I got it for a reason. Me and someone "close" to me went to go get the same tattoo in the same spot on the same day at the same time. Yeah...I know...maybe not the brightest idea but hey...I guess I wasn't using my logical mind at the time. But it seemed logical to me while I was getting it...until this recent situation popped up. Now I can't say that it seems so logical because me and that "someone" no longer share the same connection due to unforeseen circumstances. Am I going to sit up and lie and say that I don't still love that girl? No. I'm not. I do. I don't think there will be any escaping that and I'll just have to learn to live with that. She came by and we talked today about this and I can honestly see her reasoning...but that doesn't mean that I necessarily agree. But then again, there is nothing that I could have possibly done to affect that decision. Yes. It hurts. A lot. But once again I say...it looks like I just have to bite the bullet because as much as I may want her back, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It'll just be a process that when I see this girl I can't walk up to her, kiss her, and tell her I love her, but I have to substitute it with a hey, how are you, and maybe a hug at best...

This is going to be a long process so...while I'm dealing with this...I'm going to keep asking the same thing..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Amen.

p.s. It's probably going to be a long night so don't be surprised if you see more than one blog go up tonight...(if you read them anyway...)

A Dedication

I dedicate this blog to my devoted readers: this is a funny conundrum because the only people that I know that keep up with it are Thomas Caruthers (my best friend at Fisk) and Romeka Morton (my "boo-lover" (insider) that also attends Fisk). So...for those two...I am grateful. I really do appreciate you guys. You've been there for me every step of the way. You've put faith in me even when I lost faith in myself. I'm determined to succeed now. This isn't a deep blog...just one of appreciation and love. So I say...much love to you both. From the bottom of my heart...I have love for Thomas like a brother and love for Romeka like...well...let's just say "the best significant other that any man could ever wish for".

New Attitude

Yesterday and earlier today, I was feeling like I was in one of the worst predicaments in my entire lifetime. I literally thought that everything was all over and that I should give up hope. But she was there...she sat and talked to me and actually listened to me...held me and everything and told me that everything would be alright and that I don't need to keep stuff bottled up because it just leads to worse problems. Since I know it's my real friends and people that care about me that read my blog, I can put this: I was drinking until I'd pass out and smoking weed every weekend to escape the pain of life. She would wake up out of her sleep and sit and talk to me (even in the wee hours of the morning) while I was in a messed up state because the alcohol didn't do anything but make all of the repressed emotions come out. Now that's love if I've never seen it. She actually cares about me and today...she actually said the "l" word. Yes...the love word. But...for some strange reason...I'm not ashamed to say love anymore. Why??? I love her too...as strange as it may seem. I was just feeling like no one cared and like I was lonely here but she's shown me that even if I don't have anyone here that I have her, which is good. I thank God for her and I promise that I won't be doing anything to mess this up. She's taken my negative outlook and my "I'm just about to give up attitude" and changed it to a positive and "I know I can and will do this" type attitude. So yes...Romeka...this note is about you and yes...I do love you. Thanks for being there for me. :-)