PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMEMT

I'm calling this a public service announcement because I want everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) trying to give me advice to get me to cheer up (i.e. "Just don't think about it" or "Forget about it" or "Go talk to another girl to get your mind off of her" or "You'll get over it in time" or WHATEVER your advice may be) to LEAVE ME THE #%&* ALONE!!! Stop telling me all this bullsh*t to try and help me feel better. LET ME DEAL WITH THINGS HOW I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH THEM!!! This is about as far down the breaking point as I can go without calling out specific people's names. So please...for the sake of me and you...WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME!!!

"I don't care if it's heroine in my cup. It's MY cup. F**k you." -Dwayne Carter-

(my revised version) "I don't care what you think I should do with my life. It's MY life. Go the f**k away." -Joshua Burse-

My Definition of Love

Love: universally, love has been one of the most abstract and difficult concepts to explain. In all honesty, I believe that there is no one true definition of love, because I believe the definition of love varies for every person. So...with that being said...here's MY definition of love: love is one of the most beautiful ugly feelings in the world. Actually, love is far past an emotion or a feeling. I can't really think of a word in the English language for it, but pretty much, loving someone means that they have a piece of you that no one else will ever be able to have. Love is one of the few things that will make you think about someone all day, go to sleep thinking about them, and then they will be the first thought you have when you wake up. Love is one of the only things that will make you pray for a person just to hope that God is watching over them and keeping them okay before you'll even think about praying for yourself. Love is one of the only things that can keep you up all night (I'm not talking about forcible "awakeness", I'm talking about unintentional "awakeness"). What's good (or bad) about love, depending on how you look at it, is that love can't really disappear. Love isn't like a light switch that you can just turn on and off, but love is more like...the sun. The sun, for example, may set but you can see the light of the sun at all times since the moon is reflecting the light of the sun. Love is the same way. Just when you think that you've gotten over love, all it takes is one little reminder and you're back to thinking and feeling the same way about the person that you felt before. As a matter of fact, relating it to chemistry, love is like energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy can neither be created or destroyed, but it changes from one form to another. After you've found love, you realize that it will never go away and that it may change forms ever so often but generally the same love will always be there. Love is one of the few things that will make a person's demeanor change. By that I mean that if you're in love and things are going well then you'll be one of the happiest people you know, but if love is going wrong, you can be one of the most depressed people that you know, depending on how you handle the situation. But everyone that goes through love that isn't working is going to feel a lot of pain, whether you choose to disguise it or not. This is one of those abstract concepts that I could go on about all day because I've currently seen both sides of love...good and bad. Unfortunately, I'm going through the bad right now. Which is why it is quite simple to sit and write about it. I mean there's just so much on my mind that I wish I could say that I can't really say because it doesn't feel like the right time or place to say it, but all I can say is that I wish...

"I'm young. I'm not perfect. I haven't figured it all out yet. The important thing is that I'm TRYING to figure it all out..." -Joshua Burse-

p.s. Still praying the same prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thoughts...

There's some things that I have to get off of my chest: figure since I can't really say them the way I want to I may as well write them out.

1. I don't know why everyone believes love is this big great thing. I mean sure it is UNTIL it turns it's back on you and it turns HORRIBLE VERY FAST.

2. Maybe the only reason I'm talking bad about love is because a girl that says she still loves me and sometimes feels like she made the right decision but sometimes feels like she made the wrong decision to break up with me just (guess what) BROKE UP WITH ME...for reasons that I still can't really explain.

3. Yes. I was in love. Not sprung. In love. Mad that I was now but then again I'm not...because I still love that girl.

4. WHY CAN'T LOVE JUST BE LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH AND TURN OFF??? Even better...why can't life just have the Staple's big red Easy button...

5. Why do I have to feel so much pain from this??? I mean really...

6. (the ever famous question) Why do girls have to be so complicated/confusing/difficult??? Never have I seen a situation where a girl loves a dude and still wants to be with said dude and dude was a everything that you would expect a boyfriend to be (at least she said) but she breaks up with him because...??? (if anyone can fill that blank PLEASE let me know...)

I think I'm out as far as questions go but I know that I wish I wasn't going through what I was going through now. The "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" quote has never seemed like more bullshit than it does right now because I don't know how to deal with all of this nonsense...

p.s. If I seem to be rambling then I apologize but I really am quite distraught about this situation and as bad as I may talk about the situation it is actually giving me a lot of grief. This is a very trying time for me and trying to figure out how to deal with it is a challenge in itself...so please...just pray for me. And if you're reading this and have my number just offer up some words of support every now and then...

I thought it couldn't but I guess it did...

"Odo nnyew fie kwan": the name of an African Adinkra symbol that means "love never loses it's way home". I have that tatted on my back right shoulder blade area. Now...I could lie and say the reason I got it is because I love Memphis and I plan on going back because a) that's where the love is and b) that's where my future career lies, but that's not the REAL reason. Call me dumb if you want but I got it for a reason. Me and someone "close" to me went to go get the same tattoo in the same spot on the same day at the same time. Yeah...I know...maybe not the brightest idea but hey...I guess I wasn't using my logical mind at the time. But it seemed logical to me while I was getting it...until this recent situation popped up. Now I can't say that it seems so logical because me and that "someone" no longer share the same connection due to unforeseen circumstances. Am I going to sit up and lie and say that I don't still love that girl? No. I'm not. I do. I don't think there will be any escaping that and I'll just have to learn to live with that. She came by and we talked today about this and I can honestly see her reasoning...but that doesn't mean that I necessarily agree. But then again, there is nothing that I could have possibly done to affect that decision. Yes. It hurts. A lot. But once again I say...it looks like I just have to bite the bullet because as much as I may want her back, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It'll just be a process that when I see this girl I can't walk up to her, kiss her, and tell her I love her, but I have to substitute it with a hey, how are you, and maybe a hug at best...

This is going to be a long process so...while I'm dealing with this...I'm going to keep asking the same thing..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Amen.

p.s. It's probably going to be a long night so don't be surprised if you see more than one blog go up tonight...(if you read them anyway...)

Update

For those of you who read my blog "Conversation with myself..." I'm writing this blog to let you all know of the status of that situation. I am completely in control of my life now, with my satanic influenced inner demon being caged and silenced. I have a positive outlook on life and I believe that I can do all tings through Christ who strengthens me. I'm not worrying about some of the things that had me worrying before and I can honestly say that I'm blessed. Thanks to everyone who supported and I'm glad I have some real friends to rely on when I'm in need. Prociate it and much love.

"A man is but the product of his thoughts: what he thinks, he becomes." -Mohandas Ghandi-

Back to Life as Usual...

So...it's back to Nashville on Sunday. My stay at home, though stressful at times, was quite relaxing. I got to eye witness some funny events in my stay here and kick it with some of the fam and people I'm cool with. Even got to do a little of the "extracurricular" activities with some of the homies so it's been a good trip. But...all good things must come to an end. Back to the difficult work of Fisk University and my new life in Nashville. I think everyone in Memphis can honestly say that high school did NOT prepare them for college...since I found out I wasn't alone in my making a "D" while off at school. And this came from the people that were the "smartest" ones in high school so I don't feel alone. But I'm going in to the new semester with a new outlook and a more positive one. Hopefully I get that 4.0 that I need to maintain. If not, we'll see what happens but as for me...right now...I'm positive about it. So...with that being said...God order my footsteps and always..."Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Amen.

Shout out

It's funny how life happens sometimes...but all you can do is go with the flow. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "...things grow...people grow...and people grow apart..." There comes a point in life where you realize that the people you were around maybe never meant the best for you. Which is why I'm glad for the few close friends that have always been there through the good and the bad...and the ugly for that matter. So really this is just a shout out (as my Twitter page would say) to all my #realassfriends...lol. Y'all know who y'all are...no sense in mentioning names. Much love to all y'all. And even much love to my associates because they've made me learn some life lessons along the way.