My Perpetual Nightmare

"You sure you gon' be aight bruh leaving out by yourself??? It is kinda late..."

"Yeah...I'll be fine. I'm just heading home."

"Aight big bruh...take it easy..."

I leave out the building...(car tires screech and gunshots ring out)

"CALL THE AMBULANCE BRUH!!! HE'S BLEEDING OUT!!! JUST CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!"

To explain this entire story, you'd have to know about what TLK is and what it means to me and what I see for my future. Well...at least in my dreams. I keep seeing myself dying before the age of 30 in my dreams for some strange reason. I know in Freudian psychoanalytical dream analysis, dreams are explained as the deepest desires or the deepest fears of a person. Could it be that in complete consciousness that death does not bother me but unconsciously, I'm afraid of death? Interesting questions...questions that I currently do not know the answer to. I know that this blog entry may seem random, but I just figured that I'd write about it because it is a recurring dream.

Thoughts...pt. 3 (A Time of Healing)

Today started a new time period for me...a time of healing. I don't know exactly what the future holds but I know I can't sit back and reflect on my past. I have to look forward. If I don't then I'll never be able to grow as a person. Some people don't believe that you can mature in a couple of days: I believe that it's very possible. I just have to keep on moving though...no matter how painful it is to have to leave some things behind. I guess that's a part of growing up though. But why does growing up have to be so hard??? Well...life is hard. The grooming aspects that make you into the person you are tend to be memorable, and hopefully I'll be able to look back on this and laugh or whatever. But as for now, I've said my peace. I said exactly how I felt. I knew if I didn't at least get how I felt off of my chest then I'd never be able to move forward. But I said exactly that. Now the situation is out of my hands. I can't do anything to convince anyone that I've matured so I just have to show it through my actions now. If people see that then fine...if they don't, then that's fine too. I just know I have gone through a personal change in these trying times and now I feel like a better individual. I can look myself in the mirror and say I honestly handled it in the best of ways that I physically could. Yes...I made my mistakes along the way, but I did what I could to try and correct those problems. I guess they were just greater than what I could do could solve though. But nonetheless...I'll never forget these past couple of months. Yes...I enjoyed those 4 months...good times and bad...and I'll miss them. But what's in the past is in the past and what may or may not come is to yet be determined. I know some of you reading may think I've said the same thing in different ways today, but yet and still, these are just the things that I have to get off of my chest or they will bog me down eternally. I can even honestly throw out the honest statement that I love Romeka Morton and what she did for me...she helped me to grow as a person and for that I'm eternally grateful. Still do...even if some people believe that I shouldn't or that I don't or that it's "bullshit" for me to still love her and want to be friends with her. I know how I feel and that won't change, but this is only the beginning of the healing process and only time will tell what comes for me...and for her for that matter, but whatever comes, I'm wishing the best for her, since honestly...I can still say that her happiness is still more important than mine. I hope everything that she wants to happen happens in the exact way that is most beneficial and positive for her. As for me...I just hope things work out for the best and that I learn from them. I have already learned a lot, but I expect to continue to learn and grow as a person. I just hope I'm bettered from this situation...so only time will tell...

Thoughts...pt. 2

So...I've realized several things today. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "Things grow...people grow...and people grow apart..." It's a sad truth unfortunately but it's a process of life you just have to go through. You never know how bad your situation is until you know how bad someone else's is. You never know what a person is going through until they tell you. You never know what you put a person through until they say something. You never know the consequences of your actions until time comes for that consequence to show it's face. Some consequences are eternal...some are temporary. It all depends. But I've learned...no matter the consequences of your action, it matters not what they are, it matters how you deal with them. It's unfortunate that some people in your life you will lose over certain situations...it's a repercussion of life. It just happens that way. When you lose someone close to you, it's hard to feel like it's not your fault. And it may be, but there are always unforeseen circumstances. You can never control how someone else will feel, and you never know how much effect anything you do does on another person. Time to make this a little personal instead of being vague. I've been saying, "I'm 18. I don't have it all figured out yet. I don't know the best solution for problems..." for a minute. But here's how I feel now: "I'm 18. I may not know the best decision, but I know which ones not to make. I know what ways to not handle my problems." Someone told me it's hard to believe a person can mature in a day and a half...normally that's true, but when a person goes through a situation so severe, they can learn very quickly. It's like a kid touching a hot stove...they touch it once and learn not to touch it anymore. What makes me wonder is that some of the same people that were telling me how they did not want to see me sad were the same people saying bad things about me but that's neither here nor there. All I know is that only time will tell what happens but my feelings still won't change...they'll still be the same.

Conversation with myself...pt. 3 (possibly the last ever)

Other Self: "So it's over??? For good??? Like for real this time???"

Conscious Self: "Yeah...I believe so."

OS: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! YES YOU WEAK ASS NIGGA!!! LOOKS LIKE I'M MAKING A COMEBACK!!! I TOLD YOU SHE'D BE GONE AND AFTER SHE WAS OUT OF THE WAY THAT I WAS COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!! YES!!!"

CS: "Don't get too excited...you know it's funny how I've come to terms with your existence, and I'm fine with that. You can be here all you want...survey all the activities of my life that you want...it doesn't bother me anymore. You know...this week has matured me as an individual more than anything else in my life has and now that I've grown in Christ and my faith has increased, I don't have to worry about you. In the wise words of someone very special to me, "You have to love yourself so instead of looking for people to love you and fill that gap, you need to love yourself first...". So guess what...this is the day that I officially start loving myself...for me and who I am."

OS: "Man this is impossible...how do you lose the CLOSEST person to you that meant SO MUCH to you and now you're suddenly aight with this??? What the HELL is going on??? You can't have grown that much in a couple of days...that shit is just impractical and IMPOSSIBLE. I know you miss her...admit it. You just want her back and it's hurting you on the inside and you're depressed that she's gone forever...just admit it...trying to cover it up like you're not..."

CS: (politely smiling and laughing) "Just to tickle your fancy...yes, I do miss her. Hell...I love her. Can't lie about that. It's not bullshit. It's how I feel. Probably how I'll always feel. But something I've learned...you can't make someone feel the way you want them to feel, no matter how much you want them to or how hard you try to. I'm still going to pray for her every night and hope that God blesses her and that everything that she wants to happen in life happens. I will continue to pray that she's happy and fully content with life. I will continue to always hope the best for her and hell...I even hope that she finds that person that could be everything that I wasn't. Knowing what I know now, yes, I made foolish decisions. Decisions that I'll probably never make again in life. But everything happens for a reason, and how I feel...if it's meant to be then it'll be. God has a funny way of working things out for the BEST...not for how you want them to be. I'm not covering anything up. I will still openly say I love her. I won't tell anyone I don't. But I have one of two options right now...I can either sulk and be depressed and make this experience the worst of my life, or I can do what's best for me so I can grow and be a better person from this experience. I know there's more than likely a 0% chance of this ever happening but think about it this way...even if God was to work things out for the better for us to get back together, let's say I spent all that time sulking. By the time due time came back around, I wouldn't be in shape for something like that to happen because I probably wouldn't still be in college. My grades would've taken a turn for the worse and I'd probably feel worse than I feel. The only thing that is really upsetting me from this situation is that I wish I could've grown faster to see things on both sides and the fact that I beat myself up over this...cried and all, but I should've been looking at the positive this entire time. Sure...I may have killed my chances. But I can at least live with that fact now. The important thing is that I get myself back together, work on me, do what's best for me, and keep on moving..."

OS: ".....................AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEPRESSED!!!!!! NOT DEALING WITH IT!!!!! THIS ISN'T FOR YOU TO DEAL WITH!!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS AND USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE!!!!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FINE!!!!!!! THE GIRL YOU LOVE JUST TOLD YOU SOME OF THE WORST NEWS YOU'VE EVER HEARD!!!!!! AND YOU'RE TAKING IT IN STRIDE?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

CS: "Yeah...it may have been some of the worst news ever but I know God's gonna work it out. I knew I hadn't been praying the serenity prayer for months without expecting to hear an answer soon. Just like the old gospel song said..."He may not come when you want him, but he'll be there right on time...". Now I see that is really true. In the words of Ma$e..."Gotta survive in this life that's being given to me...when it seems like the world keep scratching on me...when I'm down, I'll get by, just keep it real, gotta survive...gotta survive...". God has too much purpose for my life to let this block my blessing so...I'm still praying for the best...for her and for me...so...you can go back to your cage now...dueces."

OS: (walks away grumbling several profanities at CS)

"You know there's nothing in this world that could separate me from what I believe...from what I've achieved. All of this is because of him. And I'm telling you now...as much as you don't want to hear this, I could do nothing to myself. It's all through Him...it's all through Him. So all around the world, you don't even know success until you know Him...and Him is Jesus." -Mason Betha-

3:26 a.m. The current time. Really the only reason I'm still up is because I'm thinking about someone and my life in general. It is at this exact moment that I've realized some things. As a man, I can honestly admit that I've cried more at Fisk than I have in my entire life. Not just because of some nonsense issues either, but because at times while I've been here, it has genuinely felt like my world was crashing down around me. The one woman who I always thought had my back and would always be there to support me has kind of turned on me recently and all I ever get from her is negativity, such as the fact that I'm nothing but a nigga and that I have no Jesus. My now ex-girlfriend broke up with me and she was a strong pillar of support, but she had good reason, and even though I may want her back, I have to respect her decision, but no matter what happens, she'll still be my friend and I still love her no matter what. Since being at Fisk, I've also realized that even though sometimes people may mean well, they tend to give horrible advice. When other people become involved in your personal matters, it tends to cause many problems, and unfortunately, I'm seeing the effects of this now. Another thing I've realized is that writing is an outlet for me. I never realized this until I got a blog and started to write about my feelings and such, since I very rarely open up to anyone. This helps me to somewhat clear my mind because if I kept everything bottled up, I'd be insane by now. So...I guess I have found my constructive outlet...I'm starting to figure some things out. And the process of self fixing and growing up finally begins before my face...which is good.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

"Part of being sane is being a little crazy." -Janet Long-

"Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence." -Henrik Tikkanen-

Conversation with myself...pt. 2

If you're familiar with pt. 1, then pt. 2's dialog will make sense to you. To truly understand this though, you must read pt. 1.

Other Self: "What's good bruh...??? Haven't spoken in awhile...I bet it's funny for you to see that you're going through hell and this time I have nothing to do with it huh??? It's funny how life works against you no matter what you do. Every support system is turning their back on you and...quick question...how long have you been praying the serenity prayer and seeing no results??? My point exactly..."

Conscious Self: "...and there lies the reason we haven't spoken in awhile. Knowing your natural intent, it's quite easy to NOT talk to you. Anyway...I know God may not come when I want him to but I know he'll be there in due time. They say God never puts more on you than you can handle so I truly believe that."

Other Self: "Do you really now??? So you mean the other day when you were walking from Jub after going to pick up a sandwich that "someone" made for you that you didn't tell God that you can't see how you can really handle this all at one time??? I could've sworn I heard you say that..."

Conscious Self: "I've told you about diving in to my business before..."

Other Self: "Look...just because I've been trapped in this hypothetical "box" since the last time that I came out doesn't mean that I can't hear you. I know I only come out when you let me out but that doesn't mean that I don't HEAR you...I'm still here you know...it's not like I've gone anywhere..."

Conscious Self: "Unfortunately..."

Other Self: "Such harsh words...especially for someone who tried to help you awhile ago..."

Conscious Self: "Please inform me of this time period because I'd DEFINITELY like to know..."

Other Self: "You don't remember that time...when I COMPLETELY took control...I was trying to help you get over the fact that you were down over her...I mean REALLY down...did I not have a more positive outlook on the situation than you did??? I was out for your good that time...not for bad...but after you regained control you decided to cage me up in a box like an animal or something...like I had done something wrong..."

Conscious Self: "What you did was NOT help. You made shit worse. MUCH worse. I felt awful when I returned to myself."

Other Self: "You talk like I'm not apart of you..."

Conscious Self: "How many times have I had to tell you you're not apart of me??? You're not. You're just the negativity that has always loomed over my head that is an unfortunate addition to myself."

Other Self': "Look here...I didn't come to argue with you. I actually came to give you some credit for having the ability to overcome me..."

Conscious Self: "You said that last night...I don't need to hear it from you that much..."

Other Self: "I mean I'm proud though..."

Conscious Self: "Look. I know you. The only...ONLY reason you're showing up is because I'm going through a lot right now and I don't know how to handle it and I just made a dumb decision that may have ruined some things...damn..."

Other Self: "You feel bad now don't you??? Mission accomplished. Good job negro. You get a smiley face for effort."

Conscious Self: "...I just know that I miss her a lot and that I fucked up..."

Other Self: "Looks like I'll be finishing with the last word today. I'm not going to bother you though. I'm just going to return to my little cage...I just had to give you some words to think about...aight. Chunk up the deuce."

(Other Self leaves conversation and returns to imprisonment)

Conscious Self: "Damn...I may have just fucked up...looking in retrospect, I have to wonder what I was thinking...well at the time, I wasn't thinking. I hope she realizes that because Lord knows I don't want to mess stuff up before it even has the chance to get back right..."

"I'm not used to introspection. I've never lingered on my feelings..." -Brenda Lee-

Just to let you know how I feel...

I'm writing this to someone. I hope they see it. That is my natural intention. But anyway...to the point. I make dumb decisions. Decisions that sometimes seem to make no sense whatsoever. Why? I'm not sure. Probably because I am dumb in certain areas of life. I don't know why I do some of the stuff I do but I know that it happened unfortunately. Yes...I will admit, I am a man and men make dumb ass decisions sometimes for no apparent reason but that does not change the way I feel about the situation or the way that I want things to go. Yes, I do still want things to work. Yes, I have some me work to do. I'm not a finished product. Like I tell you all the time, I'm 18. I haven't figured it all out yet. I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get better. Yes...it may have been dumb but at the time of the incident I was being...for lack of a better word, a dumb ass. But yet and still, how I feel will never change and I apologize for being an idiot and making rash decisions. God knows that I don't know why I do some of these things that I do that in retrospect make no sense. Yes, I love you. A lot. No, I do not want to lose you for anything. Yes, I do want things to work, and I know for things to work, I have to do somethings with myself. I know I have my problems and idiosyncrasies about myself. I just hope you can find it in your heart somewhere that you can forgive me for being an idiot and really think about everything that I've told you over the past...months I'd guess. Anyway...God bless and know that even though I do dumb stuff, I still love you.