Conversation with myself...

They say that you've reached true insanity when you begin to answer your own questions. In my opinion, this is a falsity. To truly answer one's own questions, one must have two different people inside of him that clash. I am the exact determination of this previous statement that I have rendered to you. This is an actual conversation that I had with myself. You can think that I'm crazy all that you want...or think I have split personality disorder or schizophrenia...or whatever. But this is a daily battle and I have conversations like this everyday. I told people that my blog would be an entryway into the world of my life. This is the type of daily struggle that I put up with. Call it what you want...

Other self: "Look here...I run this life. Why do you think that every time that you slip further into self sulking and depression that I'm the only voice that you hear??? I mean really...think about it...who really controls you??? I do...point blank period."

Conscious self: "Unfortunately, you're sadly mistaken young sir. I actually am the determiner of my own fate and I control my own destiny, meaning that I control my own life independently of you."

Other self: "Well how do you explain your constant battles with depression and feeling useless...worthless...like no one cares about you??? Tell me that since you're supposedly so intelligent..."

Conscious self: "Don't get it mistaken...I do have times of weakness where I do question things..."

(cutting off Conscious self abruptly) Other self: "...and that's where I come into play. Do you really think you can honestly get rid of me??? You've been battling me for years...MANY years...since middle school. You remember...that moment in time as soon as James left and you had to start dealing with me. Feeling inferior to your brother, feeling like your mom didn't like you for who you were...the fact that you feel like God has been ignoring you for some years now...the fact that your best friend doesn't really talk to you as much anymore...oh yeah. Not to mention the latest incident that the girl that supposedly "loves" you would rather go to a probate after party then spend time with you. Why do you really think she doesn't want to be there for you??? I mean really...she doesn't give two fucks about you to care that you don't have anyone to talk to and that you're slipping deeper into insanity and depression. Think about it...I'm all that you have...and I will continue to control how you feel. No one really cares about you...I don't know why you can't get that through your thick skull...I AM ALL YOU HAVE!!! You're not special nigga...you're just the average nigga. No different. And because you are that, you're doomed to live the average nigga life and be nothing...just like your mom used to tell you that you'd be...a nigga that will grow up and make some girl unhappy. Just like your mom used to tell you nigga...you got lucky to be where you are on full scholarship. You didn't achieve the high test scores through any work of your own. You're just a lucky bastard..."

Conscious self: "First of all...don't cut me off. I was in the middle of a point. Second of all... I don't believe in luck. Luck is for those that don't believe in blessings. Thirdly...you're NOT all that I have...I have me. I don't need you. All you are is the satanic influence that I happened to be stuck with. What's bad is that it has reached a critical point in life where we used to share a medium but now it's gotten so extreme that we can't coexist. But anyway...back to my point: I know even if I didn't have anyone I have God. He may not respond in the exact time span that I need him to but I know that he always comes on time and when he's needed. I know he wouldn't let some demon like you control the outcome of my life because he has a stronger purpose for me that to let you control anything that will happen to me. As far as people go...I know it may seem rough with Romeka sometimes like the incident that you just mentioned but she was the one that was there to help me overcome some of the depression that you onset on me earlier this year. Notice that I've already gotten rid of the drinking demon...as tempting as it may have been tonight. But guess what...I'll be just fine with or without you..."

(interrupting again) Other self: "No you..."

(regaining the talking role of the conversation) Conscious self: "Shut the hell up!!! You will stop cutting me off and you will not have any influence on me. I've already claimed it that you won't have any negative effects on me anymore. I walk by faith and not by sight so even if I see my entire world crashing down around me, I know that I'll make it through just fine because you can't destroy my personal views of life. I refuse to allow you to. It just won't happen. I don't care if I lost every person around me, I know that I'd still be fine. And you...I don't need."

Other self: "Best believe...you can give yourself all the positive affirmations about life that you want to but I will always be the one that is controlling you. Whether it's consciously or subconsciously. You will always believe about yourself what I put into you...I am the PRIMARY MIND. You can call yourself the conscious mind all you want to but I'm the mind that you're truly working for. Do you think you've really taken your last drink??? Your last hit of the blunt??? The ONLY reason that you haven't is because I've been LETTING you not do it. Letting you build up your little self confidence with your "I can do it" mentality just to bring your sorry ass back down to reality: you CAN'T nigga. Why do you think I just smirk every time that I do take control of the body because I know you can't do anything to stop me. Believe me...take as many stands as you want but you won't get rid of me and I WILL continue to control you."

(pausing) Conscious self: "..............................Oh...are you done yet??? I'm sorry...I have selective hearing when it comes to bull shit. You really think you're doing something to me don't you??? You really think that you have some type of grip on me huh??? Well guess what...you don't. End of conversation. I have more important things on my mind than to sit here and waste time talking to you. I'm out..."

Other self: "I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!!! YOU CAN'T CALL THIS THE END OF THE CONVERSATION!!! BRING YOUR Ass back he..." (the Other self's voice fades as the Conscious self walks away...

"I have my moments. Ever since I was a boy, I never was someone who was at ease with happiness. Too often I embrace introspection and self-doubt. I wish I could embrace the good things." -Hugh Laurie-

A Dedication

I dedicate this blog to my devoted readers: this is a funny conundrum because the only people that I know that keep up with it are Thomas Caruthers (my best friend at Fisk) and Romeka Morton (my "boo-lover" (insider) that also attends Fisk). So...for those two...I am grateful. I really do appreciate you guys. You've been there for me every step of the way. You've put faith in me even when I lost faith in myself. I'm determined to succeed now. This isn't a deep blog...just one of appreciation and love. So I say...much love to you both. From the bottom of my heart...I have love for Thomas like a brother and love for Romeka like...well...let's just say "the best significant other that any man could ever wish for".

Mirror Man

I've come to find out that it is possible for people of great intellect to actually break under the weight of their own intelligence. I sometimes feel like I'm the most mentally unstable creature that I've ever seen. My own self introspection has brought me to understand both sides of myself: on one hand, I see myself being this successful figure that everyone looks up to and that attempts to do his best to be there for everyone...but on the other hand, I see a drinking, smoking, self-doubting, and sometimes deranged maniac. I sometimes feel like I'm at war with myself...Spiritual Josh vs. Josh of the World. It's a never ending unequal tug of war. At times, I can't even tell who's winning. I guess at those times that I'm drinking and smoking and performing other self destructive tasks, the Josh of the World is overcoming the Spiritual Josh, who finds his way back through the darkness to once again revert me back to a positive mindset. Maybe I should go back to my Nietzsche book "On the Genealogy of Morals" which describes the basis of good and evil thoughts. Maybe being overenlightened into my own habits and my own ways has created a chasm between the two so that there is no way that the two can mesh. My life feels like the T.I. vs. T.I.P. cd...I'm in constant battle with myself. It's just crazy...this war of the self has affected every walk of life that I take. I have the demons that continue to follow me perched on one shoulder every time that I'm about to do something negative and another separate part of me that feels like it's accomplished every time I take a step in the positive direction. I've actually had instances where I've looked in the mirror and actually seen both of them. I've actually had full out debates with myself on several instances and thorough conversations between both sides of me have taken place; what's bad is that both sides of me are of the same capacity intellectually; they just believe separate notions about life. Now you can think that I'm crazy all you want to, but how I feel, I'm my own worst enemy and if I can overcome myself, then I know I can overcome any obstacle that has been placed in my way. Right now, this is the positive me writing...so...I have this to say to you Josh of the World: If it's up to me, never again will you negatively affect this life. Never again will you sneak your way past the defense system that prohibits you from ruining God's promise for my life. Never again will you get to take over and run this life. This is when I take my life back. This is when I start living for the positive and not for the negative. This is MY LIFE.

"I am the mirror man...you can see what you want to see but I'm what's there. Look inside yourself. You don't need a stethoscope to tell you what your heart says." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-

New Attitude

Yesterday and earlier today, I was feeling like I was in one of the worst predicaments in my entire lifetime. I literally thought that everything was all over and that I should give up hope. But she was there...she sat and talked to me and actually listened to me...held me and everything and told me that everything would be alright and that I don't need to keep stuff bottled up because it just leads to worse problems. Since I know it's my real friends and people that care about me that read my blog, I can put this: I was drinking until I'd pass out and smoking weed every weekend to escape the pain of life. She would wake up out of her sleep and sit and talk to me (even in the wee hours of the morning) while I was in a messed up state because the alcohol didn't do anything but make all of the repressed emotions come out. Now that's love if I've never seen it. She actually cares about me and today...she actually said the "l" word. Yes...the love word. But...for some strange reason...I'm not ashamed to say love anymore. Why??? I love her too...as strange as it may seem. I was just feeling like no one cared and like I was lonely here but she's shown me that even if I don't have anyone here that I have her, which is good. I thank God for her and I promise that I won't be doing anything to mess this up. She's taken my negative outlook and my "I'm just about to give up attitude" and changed it to a positive and "I know I can and will do this" type attitude. So yes...Romeka...this note is about you and yes...I do love you. Thanks for being there for me. :-)

Until then...

I cried for the first time in some years last night...

That in itself is unbelievable for me. I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral. I didn't cry when I watched Aunt Judy slowly die. I didn't cry for all of the negativity that was put in me by the person that I thought was the closest to me for many years. I didn't cry when my mom told me that I would never be anything but a nigga and that I'd make some girl unhappy. I didn't cry when my mom told me that I was "lucky" to make a good score on the ACT. I didn't cry for a bunch of things but last night...when it just seemed like my entire world around me is crashing in flames, I cried. It's scary...like I've never faced any negativity in my life that I couldn't handle but this...this is something else. It feels like no matter how hard I pray, God just isn't listening to me anymore. Not only that, I suddenly feel like I have the weight of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING on my shoulders; if I fail, then I'm letting my mom down, my brother, Aunt Judy, Auntie Jocelyn, Aunt Florence, Aunt Connie, Uncle J, Uncle Ernest, my girlfriend, Thomas, Preston, Mario Bell, Keith Chandler, and most importantly...myself. I've never felt like a failure until now...I don't know what's going on but something about life right now just doesn't feel right. No mater how much someone tells me that everything will be alright and that I just need to pray and persevere, it just seems like I can't do it. It just seems like my life is in limbo and it's like the chorus of the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song "I Tried".

"I tried so hard...can't seem to get away from misery. "I tried so hard...I'll always be a victim of these streets. It ain't my fault 'cause I try to get away but trouble follows me and still I tried so hard...hoping one day you'll come and rescue me...but until then..." I have my own version of this chorus at this point in life though: "I tried so hard...can't seem to get away from misery. I tried so hard...I'll always be a victim of these things. It ain't my fault 'cause I still have these demons that keep following me but still I'm trying so hard...hoping one day that these things will leave...but until then..." That seems to be where the problem lies...I don't know what comes after the until then because I don't know what to do and right now, it just seems like I'm all by myself and I'll never make it out of this ditch...so...my question to God: what's next for me??? I'm still waiting on that answer so...until then...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

First half of the semester down...another half to go. I haven't started as strong as I would've liked to but I have another half to go at this school thing with an entire new state of mind. It's still funny...even though my brother went to college and my mom is working on her endorsement and her Ph.D., I never saw myself as being the "collegiate boy". I guess that's why, psychologically, I kind of struggled through this first semester because I didn't think I should be here. But after all of my teachers have told me that I have a great personality and that I have a brilliant mind and I just need to apply it to the right things, I believe that I can be here and succeed. I just have to apply myself in the right way. Especially since I have people that are behind me 100 % (my mom, my brother, Aunt Judy, the rest of my fam, Romeka, Thomas, P. Harris, J. Winfrey, and a couple of other people). I'm actually starting to have some positive hope for the future with this college education thing. Plus, I said I was dedicating my entire collegiate education to Aunt Judy (R.I.P. I still think about you to this day and I miss you) so I can't mess it up. But hey...we'll just have to see what happens...

1st time...worst time...

For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to worry about academics. The never having to study has finally reared it's ugly head in life and now it's come back to haunt me and losing my scholarship is like one of my largest worries...and God KNOWS that I can't do that. I'd feel like I failed my mom, Aunt Judy, my fam, my big brother, and myself. It was always in the back of my brain at one point that I'd never make it to college...but look at me. I'm one of three presidential scholars in the number 4 black institution in the country...and work is (excuse my French) kicking my ass. What's bad is that it's getting harder and I don't know if I'll be able to manage. Sure...everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm one of the smartest people that they've ever met and that I'll make it out just fine but I just can't see the other end of the tunnel like they do. I even have people that look up to me and this is the type of example I'm setting??? Right now...I'm on the path to losing a scholarship that very few people could acquire...which a lot of people would find to be a good thing since I've always been known for being the smart one. I don't know...maybe I'm just worrying too much. Or maybe not worrying enough is actually what has brought me to this point that I'm in. All I know is that I'm going to need God's grace and a miracle grouped with some miraculous self works just to keep this scholarship. If you're reading this, please just pray for me because if I lose this scholarship, the likelihood that I continue my education is slim because I refuse to put a financial strain on my mother like that. What I'll do...I don't know. But I do know this...I have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to think about them all. So...I think I'm about to apply some self works and let go and let God deal with it...