I thought it couldn't but I guess it did...

"Odo nnyew fie kwan": the name of an African Adinkra symbol that means "love never loses it's way home". I have that tatted on my back right shoulder blade area. Now...I could lie and say the reason I got it is because I love Memphis and I plan on going back because a) that's where the love is and b) that's where my future career lies, but that's not the REAL reason. Call me dumb if you want but I got it for a reason. Me and someone "close" to me went to go get the same tattoo in the same spot on the same day at the same time. Yeah...I know...maybe not the brightest idea but hey...I guess I wasn't using my logical mind at the time. But it seemed logical to me while I was getting it...until this recent situation popped up. Now I can't say that it seems so logical because me and that "someone" no longer share the same connection due to unforeseen circumstances. Am I going to sit up and lie and say that I don't still love that girl? No. I'm not. I do. I don't think there will be any escaping that and I'll just have to learn to live with that. She came by and we talked today about this and I can honestly see her reasoning...but that doesn't mean that I necessarily agree. But then again, there is nothing that I could have possibly done to affect that decision. Yes. It hurts. A lot. But once again I say...it looks like I just have to bite the bullet because as much as I may want her back, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It'll just be a process that when I see this girl I can't walk up to her, kiss her, and tell her I love her, but I have to substitute it with a hey, how are you, and maybe a hug at best...

This is going to be a long process so...while I'm dealing with this...I'm going to keep asking the same thing..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Amen.

p.s. It's probably going to be a long night so don't be surprised if you see more than one blog go up tonight...(if you read them anyway...)

New Attitude

Yesterday and earlier today, I was feeling like I was in one of the worst predicaments in my entire lifetime. I literally thought that everything was all over and that I should give up hope. But she was there...she sat and talked to me and actually listened to me...held me and everything and told me that everything would be alright and that I don't need to keep stuff bottled up because it just leads to worse problems. Since I know it's my real friends and people that care about me that read my blog, I can put this: I was drinking until I'd pass out and smoking weed every weekend to escape the pain of life. She would wake up out of her sleep and sit and talk to me (even in the wee hours of the morning) while I was in a messed up state because the alcohol didn't do anything but make all of the repressed emotions come out. Now that's love if I've never seen it. She actually cares about me and today...she actually said the "l" word. Yes...the love word. But...for some strange reason...I'm not ashamed to say love anymore. Why??? I love her too...as strange as it may seem. I was just feeling like no one cared and like I was lonely here but she's shown me that even if I don't have anyone here that I have her, which is good. I thank God for her and I promise that I won't be doing anything to mess this up. She's taken my negative outlook and my "I'm just about to give up attitude" and changed it to a positive and "I know I can and will do this" type attitude. So yes...Romeka...this note is about you and yes...I do love you. Thanks for being there for me. :-)

1st time...worst time...

For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to worry about academics. The never having to study has finally reared it's ugly head in life and now it's come back to haunt me and losing my scholarship is like one of my largest worries...and God KNOWS that I can't do that. I'd feel like I failed my mom, Aunt Judy, my fam, my big brother, and myself. It was always in the back of my brain at one point that I'd never make it to college...but look at me. I'm one of three presidential scholars in the number 4 black institution in the country...and work is (excuse my French) kicking my ass. What's bad is that it's getting harder and I don't know if I'll be able to manage. Sure...everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm one of the smartest people that they've ever met and that I'll make it out just fine but I just can't see the other end of the tunnel like they do. I even have people that look up to me and this is the type of example I'm setting??? Right now...I'm on the path to losing a scholarship that very few people could acquire...which a lot of people would find to be a good thing since I've always been known for being the smart one. I don't know...maybe I'm just worrying too much. Or maybe not worrying enough is actually what has brought me to this point that I'm in. All I know is that I'm going to need God's grace and a miracle grouped with some miraculous self works just to keep this scholarship. If you're reading this, please just pray for me because if I lose this scholarship, the likelihood that I continue my education is slim because I refuse to put a financial strain on my mother like that. What I'll do...I don't know. But I do know this...I have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to think about them all. So...I think I'm about to apply some self works and let go and let God deal with it...