Mirror Man

I've come to find out that it is possible for people of great intellect to actually break under the weight of their own intelligence. I sometimes feel like I'm the most mentally unstable creature that I've ever seen. My own self introspection has brought me to understand both sides of myself: on one hand, I see myself being this successful figure that everyone looks up to and that attempts to do his best to be there for everyone...but on the other hand, I see a drinking, smoking, self-doubting, and sometimes deranged maniac. I sometimes feel like I'm at war with myself...Spiritual Josh vs. Josh of the World. It's a never ending unequal tug of war. At times, I can't even tell who's winning. I guess at those times that I'm drinking and smoking and performing other self destructive tasks, the Josh of the World is overcoming the Spiritual Josh, who finds his way back through the darkness to once again revert me back to a positive mindset. Maybe I should go back to my Nietzsche book "On the Genealogy of Morals" which describes the basis of good and evil thoughts. Maybe being overenlightened into my own habits and my own ways has created a chasm between the two so that there is no way that the two can mesh. My life feels like the T.I. vs. T.I.P. cd...I'm in constant battle with myself. It's just crazy...this war of the self has affected every walk of life that I take. I have the demons that continue to follow me perched on one shoulder every time that I'm about to do something negative and another separate part of me that feels like it's accomplished every time I take a step in the positive direction. I've actually had instances where I've looked in the mirror and actually seen both of them. I've actually had full out debates with myself on several instances and thorough conversations between both sides of me have taken place; what's bad is that both sides of me are of the same capacity intellectually; they just believe separate notions about life. Now you can think that I'm crazy all you want to, but how I feel, I'm my own worst enemy and if I can overcome myself, then I know I can overcome any obstacle that has been placed in my way. Right now, this is the positive me writing...so...I have this to say to you Josh of the World: If it's up to me, never again will you negatively affect this life. Never again will you sneak your way past the defense system that prohibits you from ruining God's promise for my life. Never again will you get to take over and run this life. This is when I take my life back. This is when I start living for the positive and not for the negative. This is MY LIFE.

"I am the mirror man...you can see what you want to see but I'm what's there. Look inside yourself. You don't need a stethoscope to tell you what your heart says." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-