Things Lookin' Up

So I'm in Knox now. I'm comfortable (for the most part). If I get this other job at T.J. Maxx then I'll be REALLY comfortable (especially since I can work with one of my white guys doing manual labor for 12 dollars an hour on the side). Things are falling in place & things are starting to look up. & not to mention I've met a really cool person that I think is going to be my new Knoxville chilling buddy. She's really cool as shit & we have a lot in common. So I guess this is just the letter to state that things are going well, but let me give them a lil' minute, they'll be going a lot better. Oh ... by the way. M2K became a reality. 11 individual beats from different producers (mostly A.O.) and I'mma find some other tracks to kinda freestyle on to fill the blank. Hard to believe this is gonna be my first mixtape on my own but so many people are backing me now I can't help but feel good about it. So ... things are looking up for real. Guess I'm just gonna ride this wave & see where it takes me.

*p.s. This blog post is dedicated to Sophia ... :-)*

"... we're movin' on up ... to the sky ... to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Yeah we're movin' on up ... to the sky ... we finally got a piece of the pie."

From Memphis to Knox ...

Been three weeks since my last blog. A lot has changed since then. I'm living on my own now && I have to supply for self. Food && all. Never expected that paying bills would feel the way it does but it's a part of life. In all respects, I can say that I like Knox. I like the environment, school is going pretty good (it'll be going better once all my books get here), but there are some things in particular that I don't like how certain people go about handling stuff here. First of all, if you're going to do something, do it to the FULL EXTENT of your capabilities. Don't just half ass it. I feel like there's a couple of people on a half ass hustle. After I get all the way adjusted to my environment, it's time to start back hustling again. This time, unlike in Memphis, I've got a slightly different outlook on the situation which might just allow me to be more successful here than I was in Memphis. So ... it's about that time to get my mind ready for that. Today was the "straw that broke the camel's back" to me about this hustling thing ... I mean, I guess it's just that when you're used to having it && having it on your own ... always knowing where everything you needed was ... && you come to an environment where it's harder to come across because you don't necessarily have the same connections, you kinda get ... frustrated. To say the least. But trust me ... I'm working on it. So to everyone half hustling, just give me a second to start full fledged hustling from all angles. Maybe then you'll start to see things a lil' differently. Now I'm not knocking anyone for their methods. I mean if you're getting your's, then you're getting it, but from the way I see it, there's a lot more to be accomplished handling it the RIGHT way (or at least the way that I deemed right that worked for me) than handling it y'all's way. So with that in mind ... I put it on my dead Aunt Judy ... I'm going hard this year. I promise.

Letter to a Loved One

To one of the people who claims to be concerned the most,

It's been an interesting 3 1/2 years ... all of the ups && downs, && EVERYTHING. But I'm not gonna get into what has happened ... I'm gonna get into where this is GOING. Everything in life now has become about looking forward. && when I said things would be "different", here's the REAL reason why: my focus has changed a LOT. The old me you did know is probably not going to be the same. Basically what made a large part of me (the fact that I was so in touch with my emotions) is getting cut ... BIG TIME. That's why I just accept stuff for what it is now. Maybe now I'll be able to get a lot more done that I wanted to get done. Oh ... by the way ... I feel like my life chose me. I didn't really choose to live my life the way I did. So what I'm doing now ... I'm in. Can't do to much about it but make the best of it. Really ... I'm just writing this to let you know that I'm a different me now ... so ... yeah. Hopefully you don't start to view me differently because I've actually reached that point where it's time to be "grown" so I can't think the same way anymore ... about anything ... so that's why I have to think the way I think now && do what I have to do. I mean I thank you for the advice && all && I know you'll always be there, but this one, I've gotta handle on my own ... && with the way I'm about to handle it, I don't think you'll agree so much ... so ... that's just going to have to be what it is. Thanks for being there though. I appreciate it. Until I talk to you next time ..

One of the Greatest Stories Ever Told ...

So ... this is actually the FULL story of what was on my Facebook status. This story is always better when *someone else* *wink wink* tells me from *her* perspective. So ... these two 11th graders are both in Bridge Builders in Memphis. Just so happens that the Special Olympics volunteer project was that day && they were both going to be there. During the basketball tournament, the dude looks over to the opposing team sideline && realizes that he sees one of the most gorgeous girls he's ever seen in a yellow shirt && some sandals. So during one of the breaks in the action during the game, he decides to go talk to her, but not just go talk to her in any kind of way. He decides to slick be an ass && talk about how his team is winning && how her's is losing. They begin to get into a conversation about how one of the players on the dude's team is mean, but the dude stands up for his team. When they leave from this conversation, the girl has the understanding that this dude is an asshole && that she can't stand him, but she thinks he's cute, so it was on her mind the WHOLE day to find this dude && tell him off. Get close to the end of the day, the dude finds the girl again, but this time with an entirely different approach. They both sat in the bleachers together with another group of people && the dude slickly asked for the girl's number. Guessing because he was cute && not acting like an asshole now, the girl gave him the number. They started to text && the girl actually realized that the dude was a really nice guy. He just wanted to get her attention somehow. And from then on, the story is history. These two became the best of friends. Now ... odd twist to the story is that the dude ended up loving the girl as more than a best friend, so ... my curious thoughts wonder ... is that the end of the story for these two ... ??? Or is there still more to be written ... ??? Only time will tell, but it's still my favorite story.

Living Will

My last blog was the realest thing I ever wrote ... so I guess I'll call this ONE of the realest things I'll ever say. I guess my looming nightmares are what gave me the urge to write this ... && even though I don't own much, the little that I DO own (if anything were to ever happen to me), I figure I may as well leave it to someone. As far as physical possessions, I don't care who takes them. It's what I have to offer that's NOT physical that I'm worried about giving a proper home to if I am to ever have something to happen to me earlier than expected. First of all, I leave my brain && thirst for knowledge to my lil' brothers (or the people I call my lil' brothers) Fatboy & Jeremy. Y'all keep y'all head up man ... make me proud to honestly call y'all my lil' brothers. I leave my mannerisms to my lil' brother Kylan ... such as my responses to peoples' comments, etc. I'm sure he'll make good use of them as he comes of age. I leave my thought process to my lil' brothers as well. I leave my common sense to my best friend CJ ... he could use it sometimes when making some of the decisions he makes. I leave my caring spirit with all of my close friends (Toya, LaShonda, Jessica, Elizabeth, & whatever other important female friend I may have not mentioned) ... y'all mean the world to me. I leave my love for all of my niggas (no homo) to all of my niggas (CJ, Justin, Darren, Cam, Evan, & whoever I may have forgotten in that department too). I can't think of anything else ... oh yeah ... last but not least, I leave my heart && ALL of the love in it to Toya ... thanks for everything ... I can't thank you enough or describe how grateful I am that God put you in my life. I love ya ... always will ... && with that being said, I bring this blog to a close. Until the next time y'all ...

"This is my living will ... no, not a suicide note. Just letting you know how a nigga feel ..." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-

Realest Thing I'll Ever Write ...

This is a throwback post really ... a post from awhile ago ... well a post that should've been posted a long time ago ... but I never did. So ... here it goes ... (I'm writing it like I would have been writing it in the past at that time ... so think of it as like a reflection I guess ...)

"I have a friend. A best friend actually. She asks me for advice a lot and I don't mind because she's always been there for me when I needed advice. Sometimes, she asks me for advice about guy s... and why guys are the way they are and why bad things keep happening to her with these guys ... and she's the sweetest girl on the planet so you'd think that God would hook her up with a good one here ... but I guess not. Every time she says something to me about some grimey stuff that a guy has done, I get mad ... like ready to go find someone and beat ass mad ... but she always tells me it's not that crucial. I really actually up and grabbed the keys one day and was almost ready to hit the car and drive ALL the way out that way ... (she stays like on the other side of the city from me) but that didn't bother me. I just know I was ready to beat ass. But I didn't ... and the more she asked me for advice, the more I used to pray that God would hook her up with a non-dog negro. But after awhile ... I started to think ... "If I was blessed like these people to be given a chance with this girl, I KNOW all of this wouldn't happen ... I know I'd cherish her like the queen that she deserves to be cherished like ..."

So ... I guess the bigger picture here ... has anyone ever been placed in a predicament where you KNOW that you'd do a lot better for someone and wish that you had that opportunity to do so ... but can't? And it eternally eats at you on the inside ... and no matter how much time passes, it still comes back to haunt you ... years later? Well ... hey ... I know they say everything happens for a reason, but I guess this is one of those mysteries of life that will never get answered ...

Been a minute ...

What's good world ??? Been a minute since my last post ... a lot of stuff has changed in the small amount of time it's been since my last post. Last time, I was talking about this rough decision I had to make, and it looks like I'll be at UTK next year. No offense to my Fisk fam ... I'll miss all of y'all (real talk) but I won't miss that "gabbage" administration that they have. Everything is setting up well ... I've made a couple of new friends that I mess with tough now and I have a job (maybe two) for the summer. Trying to stack that money pretty much ... get what I can. Hey ... it's good to have money to sit on and have nothing to do with it. It kinda gives you a sense of pride I guess. But yeah ... the only time I really chill is on the weekend since I work 40+ hours a week ... but it's all good. I'm making "guala" ... lol. But yeah ... I'm feeling generally pretty good about life right now. Can't complain too much ... don't have much to complain about. It's looking like it's setting up to be a good finish to these college years ... just gotta be on my grizzy and finish it out strong. I'm sure I'll have some speed bumps here and there but hey ... I'm facing them head on. Looking at life from a different perspective now ... all positives. No more negatives. Been through the trenches this past year and now that I'm out, I never plan on going down in them again. I'll keep y'all posted with the admission decision ... 'till then, deuces.

"Only place you can go when you've hit rock bottom is up ... so ... guess it's ascension time ..."

Choices

It's been a little minute since my last blog ... been through a lot recently and a lot has changed. I'm now faced with a difficult decision ... I either stay here at Fisk and continue to be in this "rut" and just hope things get better ... or I can leave Fisk and go to UTK ... where a lot of things (other than money) are in place. This is a difficult decision because my frat fam (Alpha Phi Omega) is here at Fisk ... and I love them a lot. They've been the main reason I've made it through this year. Not to mention GMH ... and the rest of the people I chill with regularly (Mike, Kenny, James, T, etc.) ... the people I call the "Usual Suspects". It's a hard decision to make ... on one hand, I know that I'm having the hardest time in the world here adjusting and making it through ... but I'm close to a lot of people here. But then on the other hand, I'm cool with a lot of people at UTK too ... and not to mention I'd be living with my brother, which would make a lot less stress on him and would help him out a lot (since I'd be helping with rent). It's a tough call to make, and as time winds down I have to make that decision FASTER ... but I still haven't come to a conclusion yet ... I just wish God would send me a sign ...

A Curious Moment ...

I'm curious ... (as the title would clearly imply) ... but I've realized something. Most of the time, I'm cool with all of the dudes that females primarily like to talk to ... (I won't mention any names) ... and dually I'm cool with the females that talk to them. I'm just saying ... this is slick how I got two of my three best friends (by giving them advice and just being there for them). So ... my curiosity is ... should I really feel like a best friend or a missing link ??? This isn't a knock to my best friends ... I'm just curious that's all ... but it's all cool. I'm not even mad ... I'm just in a state of critical thought ... but anyway. Signing out again for the moment ... deuces.

-J. Burse-

Update

So ... I haven't posted in awhile ... a little more than a month to be exact ... I've been pretty good. Or at least I guess I have. I mean I don't have too many complaints. Things are going pretty well. I've got a car at school now. I'm doing better in school than I was last semester, and I've maintained my sanity, so all is well. At least for the moment. School's almost out though so after this school year is over, I'll be fine for real. That's really when I have to make up my mind on this decision of whether I'm going to transfer or not too. I can't get too deep in Fisk before making that consideration because the credits here don't transfer to other places, so I've got a second to think about it. I'm actually going to go to the Office of Admission and get the paperwork just in case so I'll have it if I need it. I've got a job now working at A&F too so I won't have to be so broke anymore ... but it's all good. This is just kind of one of my more laid back blogs so ... yeah ... no deep thoughts in here. At least not this time. So ... until next time when I DO have some deep thoughts, deuces.

-Joshua O. Burse-

I can't think of what to name this blog yet so I'll name it when time comes for it. Anyway...throughout the day, when I haven't been studying for my math test or what not, I've been doing some research on the influence of the Masonry and of the Baphomet (or Illuminati) on Hip-Hop culture and society. People think that Jay-Z is apart of the Masonry, but when doing any normal "research" on the internet, you'll find something like this: "Jay-Z is not a Mason. As far as being forced to be a Mason to be rich, that is not true. The Masonry is a fraternity. Masonry also has nothing to do with the devil or satanic worship." This in itself is true of Masonry (seeing as I know Masons that are Christians and don't worship the Devil) but can the same truth be said about the Baphomet? It's a very interesting question. I can see why the Masons would denounce any connection to the Baphomet openly, seeing as there is a negative connotation attached to the Baphomet, but is there any truth to these statements? Is it a coincidence that the symbol we know as the "Roc" has been thrown up by political figureheads LONG before the Roc was even a record label? I seriously doubt that. Just like is it a coincidence that the symbol that is similar to the symbol that University of Texas symbol has been thrown up by rappers and politicians alike for years? People have denounced the existence of the Baphomet for years (since technically the Baphomet was relinquished in 1752), but is it possible that maybe members of the Baphomet and the Masonry could just be trying to keep the world ignorant to the society around them? Are we all really being controlled by a select group of individuals that have mass control of society? I'm not trying to stir up anything...I just feel as if they're interesting questions...

Venting

...The blog that I didn't want to put under the category of Thoughts probably actually should've went under here...me venting. It's gotten to the point that I think that I've developed a mood disorder of some kind. Chemical imbalances every which a way...I feel up for a minute and down for a week after that. It's gotten to the point that if one person says something wrong to me then I'm ready to snap and either beat their ass or do something worse...I don't know what's going on mentally...I don't know if it is something that I thought I was over and I'm not or whether it's something else...but I do know this...the longer that I go on like this the worse I'm going to get and the less I'll be able to control the repercussions of my actions. Or maybe this is something much worse...maybe this is some kind of inner demon that is building up inside of me that when it gets strong enough, I won't be able to control it. Nothing like the mirror man argument...much much worse. Once again...call me insane or deranged if you want...I really don't care. I've gotten to that point that I don't care who cares about me and I don't really give two shits about anybody else. Point blank period. Trust...there's been a reason that not many people have been close to me recently. There's a reason why no one knows what goes on. There's a bunch of things going on in my life that I'll never tell a soul about. Why? Because people can't be trusted. That's been proven to me all too well this year. People will lie and say they love you when honestly they probably don't give two fucks about you. People will see you depressed and tell you to cheer up and try to tell you all the positive about you and your life but guess what...turn around and BASH you behind your back. I'm almost tempted to say names...but I'm not. I will say this to you though. Don't speak to me in public if you're not real. FUCK YOU. People with a bitch ass mentality can get the fuck on before one day I really snap at Fisk. Think what you will of me...I don't care. But you're not going to come at me with that fake shit. Fuck that. From now on, everyone gets dealt with accordingly. If niggas or bitch niggas or bitches (and if I think you're a BITCH I'll call it how I see it...and I normally don't even call women bitches) come incorrect then they can get put in their place too. I really don't give a fuck anymore...about anyone or their feelings. Don't believe me? Try me...

"I know you don't like me I can feel it in the air but to be perfectly honest, I really don't care..." -All Star a.k.a. Starlito-

You are appreciated...

This is a very sincere letter that I am writing to all of the women that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt will be there for me. I know I can go to them for anything and they will always be there to pick me up when I'm down. So...with that being said, I'd like to send this shout out to my mother, Arletta Burse, my aunts, Jocelyn Nightingale, Florence Nightingale, Brenda Nightingale, Gloria Nightingale, Connie Nightingale, my best friends, Shatoya Polk, LaShonda Dancy, Jessica Cervero, and Elizabeth Sueing. I even appreciate that one special person that helped me grow so much as a person this year...I just won't mention her name though, but she is appreciated too. Just know that I love you all from the bottom of my heart and I'm glad that all of you are involved in my life and I'd do anything in the world for all of you. Much love.

Sincerely,

Josh

Thoughts...pt. 7

Let me start by saying I don't want to put this blog under the "Thoughts" classification but I guess I kind of have to due to lack of other things to name it. But anyway...I'm still having sleepless nights. Why??? Couldn't tell you. Could be multiple reasons. Could be the same one. Maybe a mixture of both. Who knows. What I do know is that on average a NIGHT...I'm averaging at the most 4 hours of sleep (and even that is pushing it). What's bad is that I'll actually be tired and still not be able to sleep. I dread the fact that I can't sleep comfortably...or at all for that matter...if something is on my mind. Who knows...maybe I do need some serious counseling...or someone to talk to on a regular basis to stay afloat. I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to do something about this before it gets out of hand...well FURTHER out of hand...

"I've got some issues that nobody can see...and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you...it's only right, this is...the soundtrack to my life...the soundtrack to my life..." -KiD CuDi-

Just checking if this works...

Valentine's Day...

Well, another year, another Valentine's Day that I don't have to do anything. I guess that's good in a sense or whatever but...yeah. Anyway...the closest I've ever came to doing something on Valentine's Day was was like 11th grade...and then I lost the girlfriend part of that the day before Valentine's Day. Oh well. But yeah, Valentine's Day is just another day of the year for me...nothing really special or what not. It's not like a serious holiday where we get out of school or anything...it's just Valentine's Day. The official day for people to be boo'ed up with each other. Some people might think I'm bitter because I don't have a "Valentine" but that's not the case. Even if I did Valentine's Day wouldn't be that much of a big deal to me...but anyway. I'm not going to rain on anyone else's parade so Happy Valentine's Day to all of the people celebrating it. I hope you have a good one.

My Super Bowl Prediction

I normally use my blog for issues of serious life importance but in this case, I'll calm it down a bit. Now there's been one occasion where I've gotten the Super Bowl right down to the score and the winner but it'll be a little bit harder this year to choose because even though my heart is with the Saints, my HEAD is with the Colts. lol So I'll give the Colts the game, but by a win margin of I don't know yet. It'll either be a high scoring game or a defensive struggle (which no one can probably see) since both offenses are so potent. But...let me throw out a prediction...34-28 Colts. I just think so. Now if I'm right this year...I'm going to start betting money on these games...for real...lol. But I guess we'll just have to see later on when the game comes on huh???

Thoughts...pt. 6

Last night taught me a lot of things about myself. Since I've gotten here, I'm not the same person that I was earlier. I don't want to do the stuff I did before. I don't want to be around some of the people that I was around. I don't want to deal with some of the stupid stuff that I had to deal with. There's a lot of things that I've found out since I've been at Fisk, and all of them have helped me to grow as a person. I've learned that sometimes it really should be me, myself, and I and that NO ONE no matter who they are should be able to affect my happiness, no matter who they are. Sometimes you just have to remove the attachments that you have with some people because...well...that may not be what you need. I learned last night some things that I need and some things that I don't need, and now is that time to start trying to remove the things that I don't need in my life right now. People that don't want to be involved with me, I don't want to be involved with either. People that don't mean well for me, I could care less for. Maybe I've finally reached that point that I've been trying to reach for years...that point where I don't care if I'm an ass or not anymore. I think I've finally reached cold hearted/I don't care anymore status...and honestly...it feels kinda good to not care about anyone else's feelings right now.

Update/Thoughts...pt. 5

So...it's been almost a week since my last post. Just keeping everyone informed. I've realized something...while here at Fisk, the only time I really act a fool is with the GMH fam...but most of the time when I'm around the other people in my class or anyone else, I'm generally mellow and quite serious. It's interesting how I've gone through such a mood transition. I guess it really is a part of growing and growing fast. Guess my "stove" experience has really helped me to mature as a man. But anyway...I've really started to buckle down and think what's really important, and although I may reminisce sometimes, I'm cool. And I can say that honestly. I mean it's funny...at this current moment, I'm quite serious and quite mellow. Not down...but mellow. Thinking critically about...well...generally everything. But anyway...if I write anything else tonight I'll let y'all know.

Thoughts...pt. 4

Now these are going to probably be all over the place so bear with me. There have been so many things that could've been said but, like I said, because of a grown sense of maturity, I chose not to say them. No point. I don't have to have my feelings on public display (anymore). Oh yeah...I have a question...who else has a spot that they're used to that they just think in??? Well we have a tree on campus called the Tree of Knowledge...that's my spot. Every time I have to think about something it's where I head to. Guess I haven't had as much on my mind recently to have to go think heavily about. But as of recently, I've found a PERSON to help me think...(well she doesn't help me think per say but her presence eases everything else that's going on). Which is why I'll be glad when the car is here. I can go there a lot more often. I can imagine that'll be nice. But anyway. This next comment is NOT about me or my situation (since people apparently like to read into my blog and go and misinterpret my words). But anyway...I just find it amusing how two people that were in love and very good friends and had a great relationship go to seeing each other and not saying all of one word to each other. Matter of fact...not even looking at each other. I mean I guess it's just the ways of the world and how things work themselves out. But it makes you wonder...do these two actually think about each other and the good times when they see each other??? Or do they just think about the couple of bad things that happened that led to them not conversing in the first place??? Do they miss each other??? Or does one miss the other and the other not give a care in the world about the other one??? A lot of intriguing questions to be answered, but questions that will probably always go unanswered. Especially since the only person that really knows what they're thinking is the person...unless they tell someone else. Well anyway...seeing the recent events, I bet people are going to eat that up (last sentence was an insider that only I know what I'm talking about) and I bet that person will be happy that people are eating it up. Back to old lifestyle I guess. Oh well. But anyway...that's neither here nor there. I think God finally granted me some guidance at this place, which is good. Oh yeah...I find it funny that someone wants me to help them with their writings of a philosophical element since they've read my blog. That's just all the way interesting to me. But once again...neither here nor there. I'll close this post out by saying...thanks. Thanks first to God for bringing me out (at least most of the way). Thanks to those that support. Thanks to those that hate. Thanks to those that are fake. Just thanks to everyone. Just waiting for the day that I transcend it all...